Setting Personal Boundaries Part 3 – Relationships and Morality

As we continue in our series on setting personal boundaries, we will explore the intricacies of setting boundaries in the area of relationship with the opposite sex.

You may belong to the school of thought that believes every adult has the right to do whatever they like. However, personal boundaries are necessary for everyone when it comes to relationships especially for young people just starting out in life. Setting boundaries act as a defence against all kinds of assaults they would encounter in the course of life, and a guiding light that leads and directs when the chips are down.

There are times in life when due to many factors, the temptation to do almost anything weigh so heavily on a person's mind. Setting personal boundaries when entering higher education, for example, may be a necessity at a time when it has become common for university girls to date solely for the purpose of getting money off men. It is only a conscious decision and determination not to engage in such a practice that may be the only voice of reason when there is none around.

When a person is in the midst of everyone behaving badly, the natural tendency is to follow the multitude to do evil. This is often regardless of a person’s natural disposition and pedigree. The reality is that it is more difficult to follow the narrow road when everyone else is on the broad road and they are beckoning for you to come. Often people follow the multitude to act badly simply for the fun of it, some people do not want to be the odd one out. Whatever the cause, no one can afford to go through life making decisions that would affect their entire life with such flippancy.

Many people have been on the path to becoming great in life, only for a photograph or story from their youth to become public knowledge and stifle their path to greatness. Barack Obama, who is constantly praised as a hero and role model to blacks has shown how important it is to live right and to have a plan for the future. Anyone who sets their hearts to greatness must definitely have the future in mind when making everyday decisions even when no one is watching. There simply is no point in pursuing a reckless life and then going on to pursue a career that will expose you to scrutiny.

For many people, a reckless life starts as a bit of fun meant to last for only one day or one experience. It soon becomes an occurrence a second time, and perhaps a third time and eventually a fourth and fifth and then a habit. At this stage it becomes hard to retrace your steps and a person can wonder how they got to this habit as they may not be able to recollect their passage from point A to point G.

Many people who are responsible adults with thriving businesses and families regret their past recklessness, though they felt at the time, they were in control at the time. Some young girls might have joined friends in dating older rich men becoming the biggest ‘aristo’ in town. Life however soon moves on and what seemed so fashionable then now becomes so disgusting and damaging. Some people are never able to rid themselves of the ‘aristo’ tag for life.

This is often an irony that life presents. What appears so interesting today becomes an object of reproach tomorrow. I have heard it said that anyone who learns everything in life by experience is a fool. Why go through an experience to learn your lesson when you can learn from the firsthand experience of numerous other people who had walked the ugly path.

Setting personal boundaries will help you to say ‘these are things I can never do no matter what’. This is probably the only way you can live in a society where decadence is the order of the day. Young girls and young men often date men and women they have no business with, giving the easy excuse that they are hard-up, or there is no way to pay my fees without the help of my ‘rich man.’ The reality is that there are so many other people all over the globe who are in more serious need, who however do not result to finding money by sleeping with a rich man old enough to be their father.

Whether you are young or old, it is never too late to put boundaries in place for yourself. You need to think of who you are and to what you aspire in life; and on the back of this you can say ‘this action is beneath me, or I will never cross this line’.

Below are a few pointers in this direction:

1. What seems totally acceptable to you today may be terribly repulsive tomorrow. Setting boundaries will help you not to cross lines that you may regret in the future.
2. Some things you do in life are impossible to erase, so think of the future when you make decisions today.
3. Having money to hand is not everything, a good name they say is better than gold. Do not allow money to rule your life.
4. Your life, body and soul is worth far more that money can buy, you are priceless and must see yourself as such.
5. Do not join multitude to do evil. Differentiate yourself.
6. Set personal boundaries on morality and relationship with the opposite sex, and you will not regret you did.

We all benefit when we do things right!

Stop Press - The impressive wedding ceremony of Kate Middleton and Prince William earlier today is a case in point for this article. A far-reaching background check would have been made on the young lady turning up nothing incriminating. Kate Middleton who is a 'commoner' will now become the future queen of England and mother of a future queen or king.

Setting Personal Boundaries - Part 2

In Part 1, we considered the issue of personal boundaries and the need for everyone to have them. Personal boundaries are limits, rules, borders, extents, demarcations, perimeters, fences – whatever you want to call them – which no one will set for you or chase you around to enforce. It’s a matter that is entirely in your own hands and which may affect your destiny in the long run.

You need to set boundaries that you will not breach whatever happens; otherwise you will misbehave one day. No matter how pious you think you are, as long as blood and water flow through your veins you have the tendency to get things wrong, if only occasionally.

I have heard it said that every human being has a period of five minutes of madness. Whether this is true or not may be verified by people’s actions from time to time. Often when a person has been caught misbehaving, they plead for forgiveness and blame it on the leading of the devil. The truth is that having a set of personal boundaries could have averted the misdemeanour. A few years ago, I attended a bridal shower at the home of one of the bride’s friends; after the party the unfortunate hostess found that some jewelery had gone missing from her dressing table. Did they grow legs and walked away, your guess is as good as mine. There are examples of people who visit their friends or relatives taking away photographs, money or other personal items without the knowledge of their friends.

It is common to hear cases where one person has taken another persons’ friendship in good faith, only to be disappointed by the bad behaviour of their supposed close friend. On close examination of such matters, it is obvious that it is personal discipline that one of the people involved has not learnt the discipline of setting and maintaining boundaries in their personal life and also in all their relationships.

People usually open their lives and homes to friends or family members that they trust. Allowing a friend into your bedroom is because there is a close relationship between the two parties. In such cases, it can be easily assumed that the close friend knows that the relationship is based on trust and they should count it a privilege that must not be abused.

Boundaries are an absolute must for any relationship to go far. At times, boundaries can occur in the form of unspoken rules between spouses or friends. Other times, it is a set of rules or code of conducts that is clearly spelt out to members of a team or club. Regardless of the way it occurs, clearly defined boundaries help relationships to succeed.

Everyone who wants to become anything significant in life must set boundaries for themselves. It is only the motivation of an internal boundary that restrains you from taking what is not yours from your friends table.

A healthy belief or values system is very necessary in dealing with matters of life. It is necessary to form clear opinions on life issues, particularly in a society where almost anything is acceptable.

The bottom line is that ‘where there is no law, people find it difficult to restrain themselves’. This is even truer for individuals. If you have no set of personal values within which you operate, you will disappoint people and you will disappoint yourself regularly.

Goals can only be ethically achieved by following an inner leading that has been previously set in place. At the point of pressure, the real person is what comes out. Regardless of the type of exterior that people place around themselves, only a person knows his/her own heart and what they are capable of doing. A person who seems altogether perfect in their behaviour and their outward appearance may fail woefully when no one is around or when the die is cast on a particular matter. This failure is often an evidence of a lack of inner discipline or values.

For an individual, having boundaries is a matter of ‘this is how far I will go on this matter,’ or ‘this is a line that I will never cross.’ Period. When a person has pre-decided what he considers an acceptable personal behaviour, i.e. what he expects from himself, and what he must not do under any circumstances, there is a determination to follow the inner voice of the heart. The lure of money, fame, position and luxury goods are easier to overcome when there are set boundaries.

The tendency to misbehave is so strong if there are no predefined personal ‘codes of conduct’. In such instances a person is like a city without walls, susceptible to almost any attack that is launched at him including temptations to lie, cheat, exploit, steal, betray loved ones or have their way whilst destroying other people along the way.

Below are points to consider in setting your own boundaries:

· You need to carefully consider who you are and know what boundaries you have and which ones you need to set.

· You may need to regularly review your belief system and realign your personal boundaries accordingly.

· Do not assume you can get by without any clearly defined boundaries or beliefs; you may be surprised how you react when under pressure. You may dislike what comes out of you.

· Taking something that is not your property without permission from the owner is called stealing. There is no other way to describe it but theft.

· The earlier in life one sets and get used to having boundaries the better it is in maintaining them and having a disciplined life. However, it is never too late to do what is right, so you can still set up personal boundaries today whatever your age or how far you think you have gone.

We all benefit when we do things right!

Tone Matters!

Tone matters! This was the advice from Joe Biden, United States Vice President at a retreat for US Congress Democrats early in the New Year. His point was that civility is an absolutely necessity when dealing with people. His advice followed the tragic shootings in America which left six people dead, 14 injured and Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords fighting for her life. The shootings, widely believed to have been fuelled by the vitriolic and gun-totting rhetoric of some politicians was a wake-up signal to Americans many of whom now believe that the new political tone has deviated from the civility of the past. In other words, tone matters.

Modern day life is rather complicated with people facing all kinds of problems and challenges. This means that tone really does mater when we speak to people. A difficult message or rebuke can be passed on to the hearer with a warm and good tone making it easier to accept and to handle. In fact, what makes a harsh word easy to handle is always the tone with which the message is delivered.

The Yorubas have a saying that literally translates ‘”Sorry’ can either be ‘male’ or ‘female’ depending on how it is said.” The ‘male’ sorry is said with sarcasm, totally devoid of any form of empathy and even with a hint of anger. However, the ‘female’ sorry would be the type we all love to hear from people close to us when something goes wrong. It is the ‘sorry’ that is kind, compassionate and empathetic. The difference between these two types of ‘sorry’ is nothing else but the tone with which they are said.

The ability to pass on difficult and perhaps controversial messages is referred to as diplomacy. Someone once made up her own definition of diplomacy as ‘the ability to tell a person to go to hell and the person looks forward to the trip.’ Funny as this may sound; it does echo some truth in what the power of diplomacy can achieve. Diplomacy in speaking is certainly a skill which every person should strive to learn. Some people just have this by nature but many more people have to work hard at getting a grip of it. It is of utmost importance that everyone particularly those who have leadership roles of any sort understand the importance of communicating with the proper tone and using the right words.

People in authority do have the responsibility to nurture those they lead. Leaders, managers and supervisors have a reasonable degree of influence over the people they lead or manage. This makes their words weighty and of a much higher impact to the hearers. Responsible leaders should therefore handle any form of leadership role very seriously, having at the back of their minds that they have a role to nurture and to build up their followers. This means that a leader can not afford to take for granted the impact his words can have over the lives of people who listen to them. Words should be chosen wisely and carefully considered when dealing with people. Everyone should also seek to understand the implications of the choice of their words over other people.

Let us consider a man or woman that holds an important position in society and who has recently become your mentor. This is a person you look up to as a good and decent leader, perhaps he is someone you wish to emulate as you progress in your career. One way or another, we all have someone who occupies such a role in our lives. For some it may be a lecturer whose approach is fresh and progressive or it may be a religious leader. In some cases it may even be a parent or a family member who is understanding and kind when all other people do not seem to understand. Even young people who may be students or learning a trade may be surprised to know that some teenagers may be looking up to them and holding on to everything that they say. We therefore need to be careful not only with what we say but how we say it because somebody, somewhere may be influenced negatively or even damaged by our tone.

We all have the need to learn how to make ‘tone’ work in our favour when we relate to people. It makes a world of a difference in what people hear and how it makes them feel. The following are further points in this regard:

· Your tone is often a matter of choice; you can deliver the same message with a choice of a harsh or a warm tone.

· Try to put yourself in the position of the hearers, what can you hear? If you don’t like what you hear then change the tone.

· Your tone has the power to build up or to tear down a situation or a person.

· You can be firm and strict about a situation without using a harsh or nasty tone.

· Regularly using a bad tone will eventually become a habit that might ruin your life or even your career as everyone tags you as nasty.

· Being gracious with your tone costs the giver nothing but deeply enriches the hearers.

· Being gracious also buys the giver unspeakable goodwill.

· Tone matters! Watch yours.

We all benefit when we do things right!

Setting Personal Boundaries Part 1

Setting personal boundaries is not the most exciting of things to discuss but is however one of the most important aspects of living.

We often hear in the news how tourists stray away from their originally intended country into another country through a border that is not clearly defined. Usually it gets on the news because they have been arrested and perhaps paraded on TV. Although these cases are often due to strained diplomatic relations between two countries, the lesson can be learnt of how much hassle can be generated from going beyond one’s boundaries. In many of these cases, it takes a lot of pleading by people and negotiating before the captives are released. This shows the lesson of knowing where ones boundaries lie and keeping within those boundaries.

The example above relates to the boundaries of a country. However, people, states and even tribes have their own boundaries. These boundaries are physical lines which demarcate one area from the other. Aside from these physical lines which can be seen clearly on maps, people groups and nations have codes of conduct and ‘ways of life’ or even ‘dos and don’ts which guide them and form their ways of living and how they are known.

Individuals also need to set and maintain their own personal boundaries. This is a task that no one can do for another person, each individual must set their personal boundaries to live a successful life. There is a saying which goes ‘a person without boundaries is like a city without walls’. You can only imagine what would become of a city without walls. It means that every kind of enemy has free rein if they choose to attack such a city. It denotes no covering, no shelter; it is like being left defenceless in the midst of enemies. It is a terribly precarious situation for anyone to find themselves.

Everyone needs boundaries in order to function at an optimal level, the good thing is that these are personal boundaries and no one else needs to be involved. No outside agency or person needs to be involved in the limits you place on your self. But these limits are invaluable in exercising self discipline and keeping oneself in check.

Life as we know it is degenerating with each passing day, and more of the things that were previously unheard of have become acceptable in our world. It appears that boundaries are pushed every so often and some ideas that would have raised eyebrows a few years ago are now seen as okay. These can range from the mundane issues of life to the very serious and often controversial topics.

Individuals can make choices they consider acceptable and what is not acceptable. A person’s life and what they make out of it is simply a matter that is left entirely to them. However, there are gentle voices within each of us that lead and guide us and inform our decisions, some call it ‘conscience’ or ‘inner leading’. What you choose to call the gentle voice is not what matters, it is the job it does that counts.

The boundaries which we set in our lives form invisible guides that help us make the right choices. They also help in identifying the way out when facing dire consequences in cases where we have made the wrong decisions. Whether we use our reasoning abilities for ensuring we made good decisions or for getting out of difficult circumstances, these are limits that must be present in order for us not to go off the rails.

Personal boundaries are a necessity as they help you when no one else is present and there is a temptation to misbehave. Everyone surely has a propensity to misbehave no matter how disciplined they are, it is however the presence of ‘personal boundaries’ that stops you from taking the perfume on your friends dressing table even though no one else is around to see.

When lewd images pop up on your computer screen, when there is an offer of making money from a dirty deal or when you know you can achieve success without working hard, it is the presence of boundaries that determines what you choose regardless of how you feel.

A person who strives to have integrity or who is destined for greatness will need to set out these personal limits which will put them in check when they are on the verge of being derailed.

The truth is that anyone can be derailed, no matter how righteous or pious they may seem or even how many good intentions they have. If you remember the saying ‘the road to hell is paved with good intentions’, one will quickly realise that more than good intentions is needed to stay on the straight and narrow path.

It was this same straight and narrow path that aided Mr Obama to achieve success in his political career and make history as the first black President of the United States of America. If Mr Obama had even the littlest blemish, it would have become public and his reputation would certainly have been tarnished. Perhaps some people who were willing to vote for him and let go of their prejudices may not have been convinced. His squeaky clean record did him a lot of good in getting him into the white house.

Below are a few points to consider about setting personal boundaries:

· Personal boundaries are like limits you set for yourself which guide you when no one else is present.

· Personal boundaries are like a gate or a fence that partitions one area from another. It makes it almost impossible to stray into an unauthorised zone.

· Personal boundaries will keep you in check when no one else is looking or bothered about what you do.

· Setting these boundaries for yourself will help in climbing the success ladder and positioning you for greatness.

· Mr Obama is an example of a man who no one could smear with any dirt that might have caused him the election. This was likely due to the personal limits he set for himself as a young man.

· You must be convinced enough by your boundaries in order to stay by them.

We all benefit when we do things right!

Learning to say ‘No’ - A survival factor?

Many of us would know of stories and folklores in our cultures and traditions of ‘characters’ that got into trouble simply because they did not know how to say ‘No’. Some times we know that the answer to a request should be negative but we simply choose to say ‘Yes’ or keep mute for whatever reason. This is often followed by regrets and stress as there may have been a commitment made which can not be seen through, either because we are incapable of doing so or because it is impossible to do so.

For many people of African descent, sentiments are very much a part of the culture and in turn a huge part of our lives. Sentiment may mean the inability to say ‘No’ to the request of someone who we place in a position of respect in our lives. For some people this is still the case even when the request is absolutely impossible to deliver. This may be from a boss, a family member, religious leader or even colleagues. Many people have compromised themselves, been implicated in criminal activity, engaged in immoral acts and even destroy their families because of their inability to say ‘No’.

The truth is that it is totally unwise to promise to get something done solely because of sentiments. Whilst it is noble to want to assist or support people, care must be taken not to become known as a person with no integrity because some of your promises have not been delivered.

Good intentions, pity or respect for elders are not good enough reasons to become a person with no integrity. As it is often said, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Whilst you may not start out with bad intentions, it is known that having a desire to do good is often not the only factor necessary in getting the good deed done.

For many people, promising and not delivering is no longer a big deal. For them it is the order of the day just because they find it difficult to say ‘No’ even when it is the right thing to do. What is sometimes worrying is that many people equate being assertive to being confrontational, so they never assert themselves even when their lives depend on it. They will rather pressure themselves on money they do not have to meet the aspiration of someone else. It is true that a good number of people do not go out to behave in this manner but find themselves in circumstances where they are unable to sum up the courage to say ‘No’.

You may not always be able to prevent yourself from these challenging circumstances as society will constantly place demands on you - some which are reasonable and some which are not. The important lesson is to know how to deftly handle these situations and maturely respond to demands you know are beyond your capability. This is where the ability to say ‘No’ may be a necessary survival factor especially in our culture. You simply need to be able to say ‘No’ sometimes for you to survive and live in peace.

Saying ‘No’ does not have to be a nasty experience for either the ‘sayer’ or the ‘hearer’. It is a useful instrument that can be employed if and when necessary for the sake of your integrity and also for the sake of people around you who may be at the receiving end of the consequences of your actions.

Assertiveness skills are fundamental in successful communication. It is a skill that is important for students, professionals and managers alike. The following are tips in this direction:

1. If you know that the answer to a request should be ‘No’, do so politely.

2. Saying ‘No’ does not always require aggression, an argument, raised voice or stern look. What you need to do is to make your points known clearly and very firmly.

3. Do not succumb to emotional blackmail or reverse psychology in matters where your integrity, morality and future can be compromised.

4. Your integrity, dignity and future may depend on your ability to say ‘No’ when necessary.

5. Do not allow yourself to be railroaded into something you clearly do not have the capability or desire to do.

6. It is better to under-promise and over-deliver than to over-promise and under-deliver.

7. For harassment cases, you need to be very firm and make yourself clear without necessarily shouting.

8. For young ladies, if you feel you are being pestered by someone for sex, do not play along or make it a smiling matter, register your objection firmly and determinedly.

9. Saying ‘No’ requires a reasonable degree of courage, so be courageous.

10. Your inability to say ‘No’ early could land you into trouble and ruin your relationships.

11. You do not have to say ‘No’ to all things if they are within your power and ability to deliver.

12. This article is not to get people to start to say ‘No’ to all things, but to help you know how to say ‘No’ when appropriate and how to ensure you do not compromise yourself.

We all benefit when we do things right!

The Etiquette of Personal Space

Personal space is simply the space around someone wherever they are; say a distance of one metre radius could be seen as their personal space. On a queue, in a bus, at a party, everywhere, anywhere, public or private, everyone has their own personal space no matter who they are.

Personal space represents comfort zones for people and has nothing to do with status or position in society, it is a right you have by virtue of your presence in any specific place. Personal space is such an important part of modern living and relating to people. Although it is easily assumed that everyone understands and accepts the concept of respecting other peoples' personal space. However, some people get into trouble at work because they have not learnt not to invade the privacy of their colleagues or boss.

Here are some examples of tips and things to avoid in order not to invade other people’s personal space:

Touching people – Touching people with whom you do not have close ties can be going out of your boundaries. Some people get carried away when they laugh and slap their hands on anyone around. This is clearly a no-no. Touch, even if casual, is personal as it is an expression of affection which should be mutual between two people. Given that we are generally quite tactile, it is better to avoid touching people until a closer relationship is established. In other words do not touch or hold people’s hands or shoulder when you are trying to make a point in any discussion.

Standing too close to people – When talking to people, do not get too close, if a person backs away a little, when talking to them, you are probably encroaching on their comfort zone. The same goes for handshaking, leave a reasonable distance and do not hold on to peoples' hands unnecessarily.

Brushing your body against other people – This may happen in narrow spaces when one person is trying to get pass another, when queuing or even in buses. It is better to wait for someone to walk through a narrow space rather than squeezing through and brushing someone's body whether they are of the same gender or not. You could face a disciplinary action at work, as this is tantamount to sexual harassment. Inside a bus, apply the same discretion in order not to invade other people’s space.

Sitting too close – to someone who is already seated may be seen in some cultures as an invasion of their personal space. To avoid this, it is advisable to leave some space between a person already seated except when all the other seats are taken. For example, if someone is in Seat A, it is expected you at least leave a distance of one seat and take Seat C or take a seat on the next row. However, where most of the seats have filled up, you are free to sit next to anyone where there is a free seat.

The same goes for a house where there are two sofas, if your host is sitting at the edge of Sofa 1, it is expected that you sit on sofa 2 but close enough to engage in a conversation.

Talking over people – If you happen to be holding a conversation with Miss Ade who is three seats away, you may well be speaking over someone's head (if you are standing) or even leaning over another person to get near. Either way, the correct thing to do is to move nearer to avoid talking over someone's head or leaning over their legs.

Rifling through someone's desk – Whether at work or home, this is a serious case of invading personal privacy. Anything that is not yours requires permission before you can read or use even if it is work related projects. Project papers that have not been handed over to the team should not be accessed without due permission.

Going through someone’s email, letters or mobile phone – It is quite common for someone to pick up another person's mobile phone and scroll through their call list or even contact details. This is an infringement of privacy. The same goes for reading hand written notes, emails, text messages, letters and bills, going through handbags drawers or wardrobe.

No matter how close a friend is to you, the rule of personal space should never be taken for granted. If you have an informal or business relationship with someone, it is even more important that you recognise their space and keep a safe distance whilst being warm and cordial.

Others – being loud on your phone in a public space, shouting, dragging your feet or chair in an environment where other people are concentrating on something, eating food with a very strong smell, playing your music loud are other ways you may be infringing on peoples' privacy and should be avoided.

Finally, respecting someone's personal space simply means that you allow them to be the master of their own little space; this means you create an artificial boundary in your mind and seek to never break through that boundary unless you have their permission or have been clearly invited.

Trying to get close by invading their personal space or throwing yourself at someone is often a futile practice as you are more likely to irritate the person you are trying to befriend.

Entering someone’s space usually means that you are defining a new relationship with them, which is mutually agreed.

The lesson is to allow everyone to be the master of their own space, whether they are young or old, slave or free.

We all benefit when we do things right!

Dealing with ‘Awuf’ Mentality

Sometimes ago, we looked at how to handle freebies. I'm hoping we can explore this issue further by looking at the infamous concept of ‘awuf’. In our society, whatever we are not paying for is generally regarded as 'awuf' or ‘awoof’. This includes freebies, someone else’s phone or even food. This probably led to the coinage of the phrase “awuf no dey run belle”. However, what one person regards as 'awuf' would in all probability have been paid for in time or money by another person lending credence to another phrase that says “there is no such thing as a free lunch”. The issue is that those who are taking advantage of the ‘awuf' are either knowingly oblivious or simply callous, and naïve. Please pardon my strong language but I do not have other words to describe a person who visits a friend at home and brings out his address book to start to make phone calls on the friend’s line. (Sorry, land phones and address books are items of the pre-GSM era in Nigeria). Several calls are made when the host is not in sight and unaware of the havoc caused until six weeks later when the telephone bill arrives. You begin to rack your brains to analyse the events of six weeks ago - Who visited? Where were you? How could they have spent 15 minutes on an international call without anyone seeing them? And so the list of probing questions goes on.

If you have the unenviable task of mediating in such a matter, what do you say to each of the parties involved? Do you tell the person whose telephone has been used without his consent to forget about it? If he does; who will cough up the money to pay the bill? Sadly in matters like this, the power of sentiments overrules logical reasoning, and fairness is replaced by the need to save face for the culprit. Shouldn’t he be made to face the music and pay the bill, perhaps he may learn a lesson or two. You may be wondering why a harsh sentence is being meted out by me to the party who has used another person’s phone without their consent. My question is ‘Who should be expected to pay such a bill? Is it the innocent party who has allowed a guest into their home? Is this fair?

What does not change regardless of how many questions you asked is the telephone bill which remains unpaid until you tendered your hard earned money to settle the bill. This is a matter that has caused many a quarrel, some of which may result in bitter feuds between family members or lifelong friends.

The point of this article is to examine the mentality of the average African person who is quick to assume that anything that appears not to be tightly controlled is free and should be quickly exploited. We often refuse to be reasonable with other people’s property or anything loaned to us simply because we did not pay for it. Our thinking is that nothing free must be let go even when it is of no use to us.

Further examples are food at parties, office luncheons, in-flight wine. Many people who may not be habitual consumers of alcohol become drunk on flights for no other reason than this 'awuf mentality'. It is a mentality that causes people to misbehave and destroy their dignity. Some people even take home flight blankets justifying it by saying, “it’s part of the money I paid for the flight ticket”. Little wonder that Nigerians are mistreated by many airlines.

A few points to ponder:

1. Whatever may be on offer, learn to put yourself in check so as not to disgrace yourself. The natural tendency of many of us is to grab what we can when the opportunity presents itself, particularly when it is free, or to take as much as you can regardless of who else is entitled. This is why our politicians loot, our public servants steal and our corporate executives are crooks.

2. Think! Do you really need those things that are given out freely at parties?

Do you really need an extra mug for tea?

Do you really need an extra bin made of metal that will probably cut your finger?

Do you really need an extra bowl?

Think about the many bowls, mugs and bins you already have at home that are littering your kitchen. If we think properly, we will realise that the only reason we take those things from parties is because of ‘awuf mentality’ not because of need.

3. Consider the damage to your relationships when you use something that does not belong to you without the knowledge of the owner or when you over-use what was lent to you. Consider also the other major consequence of such a behaviour. Often you miss out on a big thing because you mishandled the little.

4. There is no such thing as a free lunch; almost nothing in this world is actually free, even if you don't pay for it somebody else does.

5. Some people over-eat at parties or eat food that have gone-off and spend the next 24 hours paying for their foolishness with ‘running’ tummy. Who says awuf no de ‘run’ belle? It does.

We all benefit when we do things right!