How to introduce yourself and write your name

How do you introduce yourself?

The reason for this question is that it is sometimes a very confusing experience when people make the attempt to introduce themselves be it in formal or informal gatherings. Some give three names, which I can handle to an extent; some just give their initials and surname, which doesn’t tell who they are. On a few occasions, a smart alec would respond by saying “my names are”… And if you are in Nigeria, many people respond to the question by preceding their names with a title.

The most confusing is when people say their names and it becomes difficult to figure out which is the given name and which is the surname.

This is not a matter common to verbal introductions alone, some people as a matter of habit write their surnames first even on their business cards. This habit probably developed from school days where the surname is used as a primary key to differentiate students can be confusing and frustrating to business partners or people you are meeting for the first time.

To avoid confusion and embarrassment, the following are useful guidelines in answering the question above whether in writing or verbally:

1. Your ‘given name’ is also known as ‘your ‘first-name’ or ‘forename’ so it makes sense for it to go ‘first’.

2. Your inherited name otherwise known as ‘surname’ or ‘family name’ is also known as the ‘last-name’ so it goes ‘last’.

3. The order of arrangement (applicable to most African, European, North and South American countries) is ‘first-name’ followed by ‘last-name’. In some East Asian countries such as China, Japan and Korea, the order is reversed.

4. It is also less confusing to say or write your full name, for example, ‘Dayo Adeleye’ rather than ‘J. Adeleye’. Remember ‘J’ is an initial not your name.

5. You may give an impression of arrogance or grandstanding if you precede your name with a title when introducing yourself. A title is a title, not part of your name and should only normally be used when specifically requested.

6. However much you may love your middle-name, there is never a need to give your middle name when you introduce yourself except when you are getting married or being sworn in as the President of your country.

7. Similarly, a middle-name is not a necessity on a business card or when completing an attendance form, say at a seminar. Keep business cards simple and focused on what you are offering.

8. You may of course write your middle name if specifically requested in a form.

9. If you have to introduce someone else, you may use their title and both names or just title and surname. For example Mrs Tricia Emeka or Mrs Emeka. In other words, title and first-names do not usually go together except when the person you are introducing is a knight in which case you introduce them as Sir Richard or Sir Richard Branson but never Sir Branson.

10. Finally, it's not Anan Kofi, it's Kofi Anan; It's not Soyinka Wole, it's Wole Soyinka; It's not Mandela Nelson, it's Nelson Mandela. Don’t forget: first-name first, and last-name last.

We all benefit when we ‘say’ things right!

Saying 'Please' and 'Thank you' - The Polish that Generates Presence (Part 2)

Some people are born with the gift of a good personality. They know when and how to smile, which questions to ask and how to make people around them feel at ease. They have good people skills, and with these, they are able to enter places they ordinarily may not have had access. 

For those of us who just can't seem to flow as we would have loved, the responsibility is laid on us to get these skills. Learn it, copy it, or pray for it; just get it.

One of the simplest ways to differentiate yourself and generate presence is learning to say 'please' and 'thank you'. These very simple words can change the way you relate with people and the perception people have of you. No wonder they are referred to as the ‘magic words’.

Some have argued that saying 'please' and 'thank you' is not part of our culture. This cannot but be far from the truth as nearly all of our languages in Nigeria have a word for the two phrases. In Ibo, 'please'  is 'biko', the Hausas say ‘ba don halina ba’ and Yorubas use 'e jo'.

Similarly, the Yorubas say 'e se' for 'thank you'. In Hausa, it is 'nagode' and in Ibo, it’s 'dalu'.Given the way our culture has been drastically eroded, learning to say 'please' and 'thank you' will differentiate you and get you noticed.

In seeking to develop a cultured personality and generate presence, the following are a few pointers that may help in your daily journey:

• Saying 'please' each time you make a request on someone depicts your politeness, courtesy and the consideration of the burden (big or small) you have placed on this person. 

• Never forget to say 'thank you' when a task has been completed for you. Any task.  

• Everyone likes to know they are appreciated and their services valued. More than making the other party happy, it is also a reflection of your own attitude towards other people. 

• Remembering to say the two 'magic words' shows you are polite in your dealings with people and this will automatically attract people to you. 

• In a case where several people with similar credentials are chasing the same job or contract, the differing factor may well be an individual’s ability to generate presence by his politeness and cultured behaviour. 

• In a society like ours with a huge population, differentiating oneself is an absolute necessity. Having a good personality does this without costing the giver anything. 

• As much as saying 'please' and 'thank you' edifies the hearer, it certainly certifies the speaker as a person who has respect for himself and who is confident enough to publicly acknowledge the good in other people. 

• So start to say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ today to your maid, children, spouse, driver, colleagues, parents and anyone else who has offered you a service. 

• Life is so complicated, and often full of pressure. Saying 'thank you' may brighten someone’s day and relieve them of life’s pressure. 

As it cost us nothing to say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’, let’s remember, we all benefit when we do things right. EtiquetteBank

The Polish that Generates Presence Part 1 – The Obama Connection

Everyone is excited about this man.

As I write this article, everyone is getting settled with the new man in the White House, Barack Obama. The guy is simply a complete break from the expected being the first Black President and having been elected in a country where only half a century ago, he would have had to give up his seat in a bus for a white person. Little wonder everyone wants to listen to him.

It is interesting to note that if all the black people in America had voted for Obama, he would have only garnered roughly 15% of the vote. Yet Obama has created history, broke all kinds of records, beliefs and norms, and pulled one of the largest crowds in history to watch him being sworn in as President of the United States including my 50-year-old aunt who travelled all the way from Nigeria.  

In winning the presidency, Obama raised the largest election funds in America history, smashing the records several times in the course of the election. He has launched a movement that is not just a political action group but a personality action group across races and colours, that is unprecedented in modern history. It’s Obama that many people contributed money and voted for, not necessarily the Democratic Party.  

Why is it that Obama was elected to a position that is arguably the most powerful in the world? Perhaps there may be one or two things to learn from him.  

1. Obama possesses a rare combination of integrity, intellect and humility.
 
Integrity - because there are no skeletons in his cupboard. 
Intellect - he is articulate and makes sense. 
Humility – he appears not to be carried away by the almost messianic fervour that he generates with people

2. Great Interpersonal Skills – Obama has the ability to make people feel at ease with him. The humour, the smile, the eloquence and the ability to own up to mistakes are attributes that makes people warm to him. He has gone on Bill Clinton’s turf and roundly trounced him.

3. Excellence – I like his excellent and dogged spirit that made him assemble the best political machinery in history. People voted for Obama inspite of his race. He was judged by the content of his character, not the colour of his skin.  

Like the 44th President of the United States, we all have a need to generate a presence that can launch us into greatness. The world is looking more and more for those personal skills that have become so rare, yet are so necessary in our time.

Being polished is not about being born with a silverspoon in your mouth.  A warm presence mixed with integrity, good interpersonal and communication skills plus excellence in all  you do will attract people to you like magnet.

If you want to go far like Obama, you need these basic things of life that will show you are polished and endear you to people.  

We all benefit when we do things right! Etiquettebank

Consideration, Sensitivity, and Respect - What is etiquette?

My experience as a trainer and etiquette consultant has taught me that most people have a wrong view of etiquette. Many people feel it’s about being ‘prim and proper’. To some, etiquette is equivalent to snobbery i.e. ‘showing class’ by not engaging with people. Others see etiquette only in terms of dining or dressing.

Some feel etiquette is about formalities (‘dos’ and ‘don’ts’) – don’t do this, don’t do that. For many others, etiquette connotes European or Western’ values and they resent what they see as a new form of colonisation. The people that fall into this last category are probably not mindful of the fact that Africa is replete with etiquette and ours, in many instances, is more forceful and certainly guides most of our waking and sleeping moments.

Etiquette is not only about dos and don’ts; if it is, everyone will have to master an impossible list of what to do and not do on different occasions in different cultures for different situations. In reality, etiquette is about ‘consideration’, ‘sensitivity’, and ‘respect’.

In other words, show consideration to people in everything you do, avoid being selfish and do to people what you will take from people. Out goes deception, abuse, ‘smartness’, using people etc.

Secondly, be sensitive to people in whatever you do or say. Avoid thoughtless words; be sensitive to people’s culture, gender and situation. This will mean avoiding sexist, racist or any offensive gestures or jokes. It also means thinking before you do or say anything.

Thirdly, show respect to others irrespective of their age, gender, social or economic status. Showing respect means not looking down, not talking down or standing people up whoever they may be.

You will find that in all matters, whether of dressing, dating, driving, business relationships, marriage, visiting people, leading a team, travelling or eating in public, you will behave better and differentiate yourself when you show consideration, sensitivity and respect to people.

All of us at the ParkRoyalFinishingSchool and EtiquetteBank enjoin you to show consideration, sensitivity and respect to people today.

We all benefit when we do things right! EtiquetteBank

Item number 7 – the scramble for food

Ignoring his many shenanigans, I really like King Solomon. He appeared to me to be a very intelligent and smart guy. In his writings, he stated that one of the four things that were too wonderful for him to understand was the way of a man with a woman i.e. the way of a young man with a young woman. I am sure the male readers will understand what he meant – how you leave no stone unturned to get a date with a woman. Trust me, I know, I am a woman.

For me, one of the many things wonderful for me to understand is the way of a Nigerian with food at parties It’s a huge mystery that I would love to unravel.

In Nigeria, Item number 7 is the ‘menu’ stage and probably the most important at many events. It is smartly embedded between the many other events on the agenda, yet stands head and shoulders above the others in the minds of guests. Failure at Item number 7 is failure for the host and the event. Curiously, at Item number 7, you will see the words ‘Menu, Menu, Menu’. I still haven’t figured out why menu is written thrice. Perhaps it is a reflection of our attitude towards food.

The important issue about Item number 7 is that it sometimes shows the true colour of party guests as it has an uncanny way of bringing out the best or worst in people. Sometimes, you see top people with the means to commission the most sumptuous meal in their homes behaving badly and losing their inhibitions when they come across food at a party. It makes you wonder why Item number 7 has such an overwhelming impact on a lot of people, both rich and poor.

At other times, you see people jump the buffet queue, or pile their plate so much that you ask what on earth a person is doing with pounded yam and salad on the same plate. The fact that it is a buffet and you may go back for seconds does nothing to temper the greed of some people.

I have seen fights break out or people get very angry and abusive towards unarmed waitresses for no other reason but food; often because their table has been skipped by the waitresses at a party. Sometimes this is a case of cronyism on the part of the chief hostesses, but oftentimes, it is simply due to the overwhelming demand for food by so many people.

I am sure many of my readers have been to parties where the food is finished by the time it gets to your turn on the buffet line. In cases like this, you may be surprised to find out that the food was prepared for double the number of people present. No doubt most people will salivate at the sight of the spread of various kinds of delicacies but is a persons’ dignity and self respect not worth more than food?

My husband and I were once invited to celebrate the Nigerian Independence day at the High Commissioner’s House in London. After the formal part of the event, we were invited to proceed to the tent set out for the well-laid buffet. One peep into the tent sent us back as the very distinguished guests were rather unruly, crowding over what we figured out was the food service point. There was no way we were going to be part of the scramble for food.

If you find yourself at a buffet, the following points will serve you well:

· Allow the guest of honour, the elderly or the disabled to go first.

· Do not overload your plate.

· While serving yourself, only take an adequate portion keeping in mind those who are in line behind you.

· Do not return to the buffet line until everyone has gone through once.

· If you are desperately hungry before you go to a party, eat before you leave home.

We all benefit when we do things right! EtiquetteBank

Dressing for Business - Are you overdoing it?

You may wonder ‘What is the big deal about professional dressing? How is it different to my normal going out dressing? The truth is, business dressing is a completely different ball-game to say a weekend social dressing. No matter how snazzy a dresser you are, you may need to consider your work wardrobe if you want to be taken seriously as a professional.

Although an individual’s style, personal taste and fashion ultimately come into play when they turn out at social functions, it is important to consider what is appropriate over what is fashionable when dressing as a professional. In a society that places so much importance on dressing and the way people turn out, it is necessary to stress that the fashion trend that you adore may not be advisable when it comes to business.

Whilst you may go to town with jewellery, make up, style and colours at an evening event, discretion is clearly needed when getting dressed for the office.

I often see career women at work, often in a front office role looking like they have just stepped out of Vogue magazine. The bling (jewellery) is outlandish, the hair immaculately coiffured and the ensemble completed with six inches Manolo style shoes. Whilst the dress sense of Nigerian and indeed African women is commendable, it is important for a professional to remember that the work place is for serious business and a corresponding dress code is required. I often pity the men when I consider the suggestive, hip-hugging, tight-fitting, cleavage-blearing attire some of our women wear to work.

Men also get things wrong in this department. Shiny, brown, snakeskin and sharp pointed shoes may be trendy for a weekend party but will certainly misrepresent you in the workplace. Your clients need the perception of a serious minded professional, not the hottest guy at the bar or a P-Diddy wannabe.

Sadly in life, we are judged by ephemeral things, not by the real value of a person which lies in their character. A client meeting you to discuss a million dollar deal may develop cold feet if your dressing presents you as clownish entertainer. In the same vein, for a woman, the idea of flaunting your cleavage could backfire if you are meeting a conservative business partner, male or female.

What to remember is that the office place is a business environment. The latest trend may therefore not suffice when cutting a business deal. Also a business professional must be ready at all times, as there may not be an opportunity to change into ‘a more appropriate outfit’. The following are suggestions and ideas:

- Cleavage, hot trends and loud colours are best left for the weekend.
- Keep a separate wardrobe for evening and social functions.
- Looking smart is what is necessary for business, not looking sexy.
- Your business counterpart must be able to hear what you say - your clothes shouldn’t be doing the talking.
- Black, dark brown, navy blue shoes are best for business for ladies.
- Open toe, strappy and embellished sandals are not advisable for business.
- Black women are often very curvy; however, curves are best kept under wraps during business hours.
- Women should consider their body shape when wearing trousers.
- Jewellery and make-up should be understated.
- For men, combine your ties, shirts and suits appropriately – no striped tie on striped shirt etc. - Black shoes is the business for men.

My greatest wish is to see smart variations of our national dress in the business arena.

We all benefit when we do things right. EtiquetteBank

Valuing people by keeping to time

Valuing other people is one of the greatest resources we can possess as human beings. It is a resource that is also free to possess and is based mainly on our ‘choice’ to own or not to own. When you ‘choose’ to place a value on other peoples’ lives and time, you in turn place yourself in a position of respect.

A key reflection of the value we place on people is the ‘ability’ to respect and value their time. This is a moral issue that is often played out when we get invited to functions, meetings or arrange an appointment.

For functions, many people often choose to be guided by the time that others are expected to arrive. This means they arrive late not because they wanted to, but because they believe other people are going to be late. Their argument is ‘why should I be kept waiting for doing the right thing?’ So they choose to be late. We romantically and nonchalantly refer to this arrangement as ‘African Peoples Time’ or ‘African Time’. This is a social problem which haunts our society and is a bane to our national development.

In business, a meeting may be arranged with plenty of notice only for the person who called the meeting arriving late or not turning up at all on the day of the metting. Everyone else has made the effort to get there early for this meeting but somehow the person who is facilitating has an excuse for coming 20 minutes late. Admittedly, there are uncontrollable circumstances; however, some people simply choose to hide behind the numerous excuses they can give for their poor time keeping and what can frankly be described as a very rude attitude to others. It makes you wonder if everyone is not facing the same challenge of traffic when people casually say they were delayed by traffic.

Valuing people is simply putting other people into consideration when a meeting or appointment is set so that you do what is necessary to ensure you arrive in good time. This is for no other reason than not to keep people waiting for no good reason. It speaks of good breeding and respect for others when you value them by valuing their time.

A friend once told me that most of the books he read in the last year were done whilst being kept waiting for appointments. In order to change our attitudes in this regard, we must put ourselves in the picture. How would I feel if someone has wasted my time? The truth is that we all detest being kept waiting by people or even processes. When we think of how we feel, we must also try to consider how other people feel when we do the same to them.

In our society, it seems to be an acceptable norm that anyone bigger than you can keep you waiting. It is an unholy emblem of importance to do so; for example artisans asked to assess a job and provide a service often find that they arrive at the site and are told to ‘wait’. ‘The wait’ for the ‘big’ man could run into hours, obviously because the ‘big’ man’s time, in his estimation is much more important than that of the ‘small’ man.

Also professionals who have booked an appointment find they need to call a few times to confirm and re-confirm the appointment, otherwise they run the risk of arriving and being told that ‘the manager is in another meeting’, ‘has just gone out’ ‘is not in the office today’ or the really funny one ‘not on seat’.

I was once told of someone who was asked to ‘take a seat and wait’; the host in this case was only a corridor away and her voice could be heard clearly on the phone as she made and received several calls, just casual friendly calls. This case of ‘take a seat and wait’ turned out to be a six-hour wait! It turned out that the high powered host was teaching the guest a lesson in remembering that despite their recent familiarity, they simply were not on the same level. Unfortunately, no one ‘taught’ this type of lesson forgets in a hurry.

Valuing another person is as simple as respecting their time, knowing that no matter how big and how busy you are, no one should be disregarded and left waiting for no justifiable reason.

The following are a few guiding points to assist in valuing others and their time:

1. Life is lost in waiting; make it your principle never to keep anyone waiting unnecessarily.

2. Get a diary and log your appointment as you make them or as soon as possible after you made them.

3. Use your phone or PDA to set a reminder a week or a few days before the meeting.

4. If you are unable to make a meeting for any reason, ensure you give enough notice to the other people attending the meeting.

5. Set out early on the day of a meeting factoring in any eventualities like traffic.

6. It is to your advantage not to have a bad reputation for time keeping.

We all benefit when we do things right. Etiquettebank