Handling Freebies – My observation at a hotel lobby

Whilst sitting at the entrance to a conference hall in a hotel recently, I looked at the reception area. The human traffic was interesting as all kinds of people went about their various business and activities. Some were staff of the hotel walking with fast strides to their next assignment and some were guests on holiday and in a completely relaxed mood. Some were couples holding hands and laughing, others, young parents carrying children to or from their rooms. It was beautiful to see how people relate to one another.

I watched with interest as people - young, middle age and old meandered around the front desk. People from all walks of life - the upwardly mobile, and the technician in overalls executing their business around the hotel, entire families dressed up and on their way out of the hotel to a function or a family day together.

This is not the first time that I would look over the lobby area and just watch what happens and how human beings behave. I would often take a few minutes to appreciate the interesting character of people - the good, the bad and the rather ugly. On a normal day, this would be the sort of thing that would interest me. I would sit and take in the beauty of love as each man emerged with their respective spouses - the elderly, the very young and the glamorous. I would be fascinated by how they walked or even the chemistry between the spouses.

On this occasion however, my primary focus had nothing to do with what people wore or how they walked, I was captivated by the reaction of various people to a bowl of sweets that was placed strategically in the centre of the reception desk. The hotel had been gracious to offer these sweets freely to anyone who walked pass the reception area. So gracious were they that the bowl was replenished every so often and there was hardly ever any moment when supply ran low.

So I watched as my fellow Nigerians approached the sweets. My first observation on this particular Saturday was of a couple with three children. The children approached the sweets and I saw the first child dip his hand into the bowl coming up with five or six sweets, this exercise was repeated by the other siblings whilst the mother looked on and waited for them to finish their display of utter greed. I watched and hoped to see this mother scold her children or insist that they drop some of the sweets but she appeared perfectly happy with her children’s ability to 'fight for their rights'.

Sadly, as I continued to watch, many other parties manifested the same behaviour. Hardly did I see anyone who took just one sweet. The minimum taken by anyone was two whilst the majority of people took between three and six, perhaps up to 10 in some cases. I wondered why it is not in our behaviour to take only one of anything we are offered. It is not only the decent thing to do but also the noble and right thing to do.

Dipping your hand into a bowl left in a public and picking more than one sweet says you have no regards for anyone who may be coming behind you. You probably may think that you were there first and so the lion share belongs to you. You may also think that the hotel can afford to replenish the bowl. However, I am persuaded that it is more honourable to give due consideration to other people who are coming after you by only taking one. This shows that you are disciplined and not ruled by your desires. My belief is that no matter what the item in question may be, you probably would not die if you do not take any of it at all. In any event, if the sweets were not there, you will still live. If that is the case, then you can probably do without the sweet or cake or even food at a party. It only makes sense therefore to take what is honourable and what would not dent your image.

My point is that you may not have been expecting to be offered free sweets or free food, if you then get the opportunity to be offered what you did not expect, then the best behaviour to adopt is to be sensible and disciplined about what you take. Even when you are desperate for the sweets, a maximum of two is fine, if you need more, then cross the road to buy from the nearest vendor.

As I watched the children helped themselves to about six sweets each, struggling to pick up as many as their tiny hands could carry and almost tipping the glass bowl over in the process, I saw both their hands full of sweets and without a single rebuke from their parents. I wondered if children as young as seven could have this attitude to a privilege that was offered to them, how would these same children react to being placed in a position where the national purse is at their disposal? We all know that if a person can steal 10 Kobo out of 1 Naira, then they are probably capable of taking 100 million out of 1 billion naira if given the chance. After all, both thefts are 10%.

My suggestions are as follows:

· Parents must train young children to possess discipline, contentment and the ability to take their eyes off what is not theirs whether it is offered to them or not.

· Young adults are at a crucial point in life and they need to understand the above virtues. These are the attitudes that set people apart and make them stand out; a simple matter like taking only one sweet may decide the future of a person – whether you get a job or not as this may be part of the test by a prospective employer.

· For everyone else, a major part of discipline is learning to master your desires.

We all benefit when we do things right.

Managing Expectations - Part 1

I have noticed that very few relationships in Nigeria last the test of time. Arguably, every relationship has its ups and downs and with mature disposition, the challenging times can easily be handled without serious damage. However, in my view, we often seem to deliberately look for ways to destroy relationships we have built over the years with our own hands. It does not matter which type of relationship you nominate for scrutiny – husband/wife, parent/child, church, work or friendships, we have a way of hitting it off with people quickly and before you can say ‘Jack Robinson’ we sever the relationship.

Obviously, there are different reasons why relationships break down, I have however found that a major reason why we have a rather high incident of problem relationships is because of the unrealistic expectations we place on one another. For example, the general way of thought is that once somebody has a reasonable accommodation and a car, that person MUST be ‘loaded’ and MUST be ready to solve any financial worries we present. This is irrespective of the period of time we have known each other or whether there is any serious tie. We often do not understand that some people may be asset rich and cash poor.

The following are suggestions towards building a successful relationship and keeping it for the long run:

Let all your relationships be based on what you can offer – This, by far, is the most important way to forge a meaningful and successful relationship. Rather than concentrating on what you can get from a relationship, be concerned with what you bring in to that relationship. This way, it is almost impossible to have unmet expectations because you are not expecting anything. Of course, you may benefit from a relationship, but the suggestion here is to let your focus be on what you can offer your friend, family, church or work colleague and not the other way round.

If everyone would follow this approach, we will all develop meaningful, healthy and lasting relationships. It’s simple, if I am not focused on what I can get in a relationship, it will be unnecessary to fake anything or manipulate anyone to get my way. In other words, relationships are real when the focus is on what we bring rather than what we can get.

Be realistic – This is another way of saying do not have unrealistic expectations when it comes to relationship matters. When you set unrealistic expectations, you are setting your friend, spouse, colleague or brethren to fail and at the same time setting yourself up for disappointment. It is pertinent to say that what you think is no big deal may be a very unrealistic expectation to someone else. For example, it is unrealistic to ask a friend to forego their food just because you are hungry. It is unrealistic to expect a friend to fund your daughter’s wedding. It is unrealistic to expect a friend to lend you a substantial amount of money to buy a new car etc.

Give people the opportunity to say ‘No’ – Whenever you need to ask a favour that may inconvenience others; never put them in a difficult situation where they fear your friendship will be jeopardised. The right thing to do therefore when asking for favours is to ask in such a way that the other person will find it easy, if they so choose, to say ‘no’. For example, it is better to say:

Would you be available for me to visit tonight or will you let me know when it will be convenient for you?

With the above question, it is easy for the person to say “let’s try tomorrow or next week as I’m not available tonight”. Unfortunately, some people will announce as a matter of fact:

“I’m on my way to your house and I will see you in 20 minutes”.

They care less if the person they wish to visit is prepared to receive guests and they offer him no room to refuse either.

Remember, people may agree to your manipulations and scheming for a while but they will eventually see the light and refuse the attempt by you to continue to ride them.

Be sincere – Sincerity is the missing tool in most relationships that break down. Check yourself:

• Are you sincere with friends, families or colleagues in the things you say or do?
• Do you try to make people have a different opinion of you?
• Why is this so?

People who are not sincere can not handle those who are, so they always have unrealistic expectations which go unmet. As a result, they are unable to keep lasting relationships.

In my view, there is nothing better than being yourself. No effort is required to be yourself. Keeping a relationship with anyone, even with God demands sincerity, so be sincere. This way, you will find you are able to express yourself easier and your relationships will be far more honest, meaningful and fruitful.

Be appreciative – If you are more interested in giving into a relationship than receiving; if you are realistic about what you expect from people; you will find that it will be easy to be appreciative whenever you are offered anything by anyone. Those who go into relationships with the objective of what they can derive from it will find it difficult to be appreciative as they are usually unrealistic with their expectations. The same goes for those who go into relationships with insincerity. Because they are more interested in what they will get from the relationship, they may even be extraordinarily nice and give more than is necessary for a while. They are therefore unappreciative if they are confronted with a sincere partner who gives without any ulterior motive.

Written by Gbenga Badejo - a Partner at ParkRoyalFinishingSchool, www.lagosfinishingschool.com - the leading provider of Etiquette, Ambassador, Business and Life Skills programmes.

I am on my way - whatever that means!

You are desperate for a particular item, there is a deadline and you have asked someone to help you get this item, this person knows about the deadline. Two hours after the deadline, the person is yet to arrive. You pick up the telephone and place a call to this person to ask the very simple question 'Where are you?' The response is a flat and unspecific 'I'm on my way.' The answer does not help you or the situation as you are unable to determine how long it will take the person to arrive.

You get exasperated and usually ask the question again as your desire is to get a specific answer in order to conclude a travelling plan. At this stage, any answer short of the exact location is unacceptable hence the repetition of the same question 'Where exactly are you'. Unfortunately, the answer you may continue to get even after several attempts is pretty much the same - 'I am on my way'.

It is common knowledge that the average Nigerian is not exactly straightforward. It is believed that he thinks of many possible answers to a question and decides on which one to give depending on the situation at hand and the impression that he needs to create. This is known in the Nigerian parlance as 'scoping' and it supposedly allows the person answering the question to gain the upper hand over the person asking the question.

It is likely that someone who gives the 'I'm on my way' answer is in the habit of 'scoping' before answering any question. For many this has become a habit that is almost impossible to shift, one that has become a part of the person, a second skin, no longer noticeable to the carrier.

The answer 'I'm on the way' is not here or there, it means nothing. So saying this allows a person to gain extra time or power over the person to whom they are accountable. The person also has an opportunity to change the story and location if the conversation does not go their way.

As with every habit, you may not even know it is part of you because it has become a daily practice. Remember that a habit is simply what you do regularly, perhaps what you have done for five, 10 or 20 years. No way in this world would you easily accept that it is bad because it is now part of your life. This is the same reason why it is so difficult to convince a person that he is not being straightforward.

Sadly, in the quest to prove smart and be able to play a mind game, people often short change themselves. They are quickly branded as evasive and untrustworthy and they ultimately lose out. This loss may be on a seemingly small scale, nothing to cry over, but it may also be on a much larger scale with effects that reach beyond the individual's imagination. Sometimes people lose out on what would have been a change to their destiny because of a little lie.

I recently spoke to a gentleman who was on an errand from his boss to me. He was bringing some materials to me which I needed to use at a meeting later that day. The gentleman called me at 10am to let me know he was in my area. To save him time and the hassle of travel, I directed him to wait for me in front of a popular eatery a minute's walk from where he said he was and I would meet him in 10 minutes. I arrived at the eatery in no time and could not find this gentleman. When I called him on the phone to inquire of his whereabouts, he told me he was at the eatery. When I informed him I was parked at the entrance of the eatery and my vehicle was the only one there, he then said 'I'm on my way'. I repeated the question 'Where are you?' several times and I got the same answer. I had to insist that the gentleman let me know his exact location. Only then did I find out that he was still on an Okada bike and making his way to the eatery – a different story from what he had told me on the phone.

Even now, I don’t know if he had intentionally misled me or he had gotten lost or confused as to his exact location. In any case, he had made our conversation unproductive by withholding the required information. When I took my time to think about it, I realised that if he had been straightforward in the first instance, the entire episode would have been easier on both of us.

My question to him was to determine exactly where he was and if necessary to adjust my journey plans in order to meet him at a more convenient place for him. I guess if he knew this he would have given me a clearer answer. He had tried to 'scope' me. Unfortunately, he got it very wrong.

One lesson from this story is to tell the truth and never to assume. If you are unsure of about a question, it is better to clarify by asking exactly what is meant. If it is a direct question, it is better to offer the correct and direct answer rather than an evasive answer.

Life is certainly easier if people are more straightforward. Potential problems and bottlenecks can also be avoided when the facts are plain and open. Contrary to peoples beliefs, telling the truth about a potentially bad situation is always better. It is never easy to do but it is the best method of averting a more damaging situation.

If I had the exact location of my errand bearer, I would have taken a different route to meet him and would have been more appreciative of his effort in delivering the item. I would have given him extra money for his transport fare though I knew he had been given money by his boss. In all he would have benefited from running an errand and I would have been happy.

Please remember to be straightforward as it is better and saves time in the long run.

We all benefit when we do things right!

Stealing by stealth

Stealing? Not me! This could be your reaction to the title of this article, but are you stealing by stealth? I have discovered that being light fingered is so rampant in our society that I am inviting readers to give this a thought and share with me their experience on this matter.

This article is not about armed robbery or heavyweight thievery by politicians, this is about you and me. For example, you have in your possession a book which is not yours, it has been on your bookshelf for two years with the owner's name written on it, the owner hasn’t asked for it and you have not offered to return it. You may have become comfortable having the book in your possession with the passage of time. "I didn’t steal it after all and the owner possibly knows that I have it". But does it make it yours? Does it really matter?

Stealing can be defined as 'taking or keeping what is not your own without the owners permission'. It is a practice that no one would readily admit to, after all, it is the 8^th commandment and no one wants to feel they are breaking God's rule. So they adjust the goal post by redefining what constitutes stealing.

Stealing can exist in many different forms - the big, the small or the unnoticeable. For example using someone's phone without their permission is stealing. It's as good as stealing the person's money because the owner will have to pay the bill. This type of stealing by stealth is so covert and ordinary that you may successfully convince yourself that you have done nothing wrong.

Perhaps you are in the habit of claiming someone's belongings by bravado, it's still stealing by stealth particularly if the person is unwilling to part with it.

In Nigeria today, our definition of stealing has changed so drastically. Words and phrases like 'doing the business', 'carrying out runs' or 'odu' have replaced the simple and direct words like 'ole', 'barawo', 'onyeoshi' which emphatically speaks of theft. Experiences of friends taking items without permission, books lent out and never returned, pens disappearing from your desk, office stationery being used for personal business are all too common.

It is also a common occurrence these days that the leftover change from an errand is assumed to belong to the person who has carried out the errand. If you ask for the money, the party who has done the errand gets upset and labels you as mean, harsh, wicked and selfish. But let us examine this case without any sentiments. To whom does the change rightly belong? When has it become the norm not to return leftover change. This is a case of keeping what is not offered to you.

Sometimes people take things that are important to others. Late one Sunday evening, my husband found out he needed a once in a year insert from that day's edition of the UK Sunday Times. A friend of his who was at our home said he knew someone that was coming to Lagos within days and he generously placed a call to the United Kingdom to request for her assistance. This lady dashed out of her house in London at about 8pm to look for the newspaper and succeeded in getting one which she delivered to my husband's friend a few days later on her arrival in Lagos. Before this could be passed to my husband, someone else visited the office of my husband's friend whilst he was out and took the paper without informing him. But for his secretary who was present, it would have been a case of whodunit. My husband did not get his newspaper even with the international call and the massive effort of the poor lady, just because someone could not look and ignore.

Regardless of how you may convince yourself and your chosen views about taking other peoples property, if it is without permission, it is wrong and it is an act of stealing. It may not matter how close you are to the person or the fact that you think 'they may not mind'. Perhaps, contrary to your belief, they may be holding their peace because they are unwilling to embarrass you.

Not too long ago, the African society so radically shunned the act of stealing, meting out stiff punishments to culprits, often with families disowning their own in order to make a statement, and as a testament to the accepted cultural values.

Let us ponder on the following guiding points:

1. If you do not have permission to take another persons belonging, then you may be guilty of stealing even if you don’t realise you have.

2. You may never know how other people perceive you. Perhaps you see your behaviour as normal, others may see it as 'thieving.'

3. A rule of thumb may be to ALWAYS expressly ask before you take or keep anything that doesn't belong to you and also to return what you borrowed.

4. What you do regularly (once a month, or even once in three months) becomes a habit which ultimately becomes a part of your person.

5. Your personality is the sum total of your person. How does your personality affect your career, social life and even reputation in the community?

6. Everything you do has consequences either for bad or for good.

7. Let's call a spade what it is, stealing is stealing, whether it is outright or by stealth. Refrain!

We all benefit when we do things right!

Personal Hygiene – handling body odour

Very few people can find the courage to tell anyone else that they have body odour. That’s exactly the problem with body odour. If you have it, everyone knows except you because no one is willing to tell you.

If you ever wondered then, why people who have body odour are not able to shake it off easily, it’s probably because nobody ever tells them. Of course, it's indeed a difficult issue to bring up with anyone and we shall deal with this matter in another post.

The truth is that everyone has the tendency to smell. If you live in a hot climate where the sun shines everyday with vengeance, you are bound to sweat. Like every waste product from the body, sweat can smell which means anybody that sweats may smell.

Now that we know anyone can smell irrespective of social class or financial height, it is the responsibility of each of us to handle this matter properly. This is especially important as you may be the last to know, if at all you ever do. Unfortunately body odour can be quite offensive and embarrassing particularly to those who have to work or live in close proximity with the bearer. It may also stifle a person's career or business growth as people generally avoid a person with serious body odour.

The following are guidelines that can help deal with this delicate but important matter. Please note that the guidelines are not a substitute for medical help and are not intended to be:

1. We are all used to our body smell so it is easy to assume everything is all right when it isn't. It is therefore necessary to find out from people who are close enough to tell you the truth about how you smell.

2. Shower or take a bath daily, this is non-negotiable.

3. If you have been out all day and need to attend an evening event, it will be wise to take a shower, and at the least change your top, especially if you live in a region of hot climate.

4. Air your jackets well and avoid mixing used clothes with clean ones.

5. Use fresh underwear daily whether you are male or female.

6. Wear a safe deodorant.

7. To minimise bad breath, carry mints on you to freshen your mouth especially if you have been silent for long or if you are fasting.

8. Also brush your teeth daily and if you can, floss regularly.

9. If you suffer from excessive sweating or have a serious case of bad breath, a visit to a doctor will be helpful.

10. If you have a case of sweaty feet, avoid taking off your shoes in a public place.

Finally, every one must make the effort to find out how they are doing in this area so as to avoid the peril of wrong assumption. You may assume you are doing well when in reality you aren't. Don't forget, you may well be the last to know.

We all benefit when we do things right.

How to introduce yourself and write your name

How do you introduce yourself?

The reason for this question is that it is sometimes a very confusing experience when people make the attempt to introduce themselves be it in formal or informal gatherings. Some give three names, which I can handle to an extent; some just give their initials and surname, which doesn’t tell who they are. On a few occasions, a smart alec would respond by saying “my names are”… And if you are in Nigeria, many people respond to the question by preceding their names with a title.

The most confusing is when people say their names and it becomes difficult to figure out which is the given name and which is the surname.

This is not a matter common to verbal introductions alone, some people as a matter of habit write their surnames first even on their business cards. This habit probably developed from school days where the surname is used as a primary key to differentiate students can be confusing and frustrating to business partners or people you are meeting for the first time.

To avoid confusion and embarrassment, the following are useful guidelines in answering the question above whether in writing or verbally:

1. Your ‘given name’ is also known as ‘your ‘first-name’ or ‘forename’ so it makes sense for it to go ‘first’.

2. Your inherited name otherwise known as ‘surname’ or ‘family name’ is also known as the ‘last-name’ so it goes ‘last’.

3. The order of arrangement (applicable to most African, European, North and South American countries) is ‘first-name’ followed by ‘last-name’. In some East Asian countries such as China, Japan and Korea, the order is reversed.

4. It is also less confusing to say or write your full name, for example, ‘Dayo Adeleye’ rather than ‘J. Adeleye’. Remember ‘J’ is an initial not your name.

5. You may give an impression of arrogance or grandstanding if you precede your name with a title when introducing yourself. A title is a title, not part of your name and should only normally be used when specifically requested.

6. However much you may love your middle-name, there is never a need to give your middle name when you introduce yourself except when you are getting married or being sworn in as the President of your country.

7. Similarly, a middle-name is not a necessity on a business card or when completing an attendance form, say at a seminar. Keep business cards simple and focused on what you are offering.

8. You may of course write your middle name if specifically requested in a form.

9. If you have to introduce someone else, you may use their title and both names or just title and surname. For example Mrs Tricia Emeka or Mrs Emeka. In other words, title and first-names do not usually go together except when the person you are introducing is a knight in which case you introduce them as Sir Richard or Sir Richard Branson but never Sir Branson.

10. Finally, it's not Anan Kofi, it's Kofi Anan; It's not Soyinka Wole, it's Wole Soyinka; It's not Mandela Nelson, it's Nelson Mandela. Don’t forget: first-name first, and last-name last.

We all benefit when we ‘say’ things right!

Saying 'Please' and 'Thank you' - The Polish that Generates Presence (Part 2)

Some people are born with the gift of a good personality. They know when and how to smile, which questions to ask and how to make people around them feel at ease. They have good people skills, and with these, they are able to enter places they ordinarily may not have had access. 

For those of us who just can't seem to flow as we would have loved, the responsibility is laid on us to get these skills. Learn it, copy it, or pray for it; just get it.

One of the simplest ways to differentiate yourself and generate presence is learning to say 'please' and 'thank you'. These very simple words can change the way you relate with people and the perception people have of you. No wonder they are referred to as the ‘magic words’.

Some have argued that saying 'please' and 'thank you' is not part of our culture. This cannot but be far from the truth as nearly all of our languages in Nigeria have a word for the two phrases. In Ibo, 'please'  is 'biko', the Hausas say ‘ba don halina ba’ and Yorubas use 'e jo'.

Similarly, the Yorubas say 'e se' for 'thank you'. In Hausa, it is 'nagode' and in Ibo, it’s 'dalu'.Given the way our culture has been drastically eroded, learning to say 'please' and 'thank you' will differentiate you and get you noticed.

In seeking to develop a cultured personality and generate presence, the following are a few pointers that may help in your daily journey:

• Saying 'please' each time you make a request on someone depicts your politeness, courtesy and the consideration of the burden (big or small) you have placed on this person. 

• Never forget to say 'thank you' when a task has been completed for you. Any task.  

• Everyone likes to know they are appreciated and their services valued. More than making the other party happy, it is also a reflection of your own attitude towards other people. 

• Remembering to say the two 'magic words' shows you are polite in your dealings with people and this will automatically attract people to you. 

• In a case where several people with similar credentials are chasing the same job or contract, the differing factor may well be an individual’s ability to generate presence by his politeness and cultured behaviour. 

• In a society like ours with a huge population, differentiating oneself is an absolute necessity. Having a good personality does this without costing the giver anything. 

• As much as saying 'please' and 'thank you' edifies the hearer, it certainly certifies the speaker as a person who has respect for himself and who is confident enough to publicly acknowledge the good in other people. 

• So start to say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ today to your maid, children, spouse, driver, colleagues, parents and anyone else who has offered you a service. 

• Life is so complicated, and often full of pressure. Saying 'thank you' may brighten someone’s day and relieve them of life’s pressure. 

As it cost us nothing to say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’, let’s remember, we all benefit when we do things right. EtiquetteBank