Setting Personal Boundaries Part 1

Setting personal boundaries is not the most exciting of things to discuss but is however one of the most important aspects of living.

We often hear in the news how tourists stray away from their originally intended country into another country through a border that is not clearly defined. Usually it gets on the news because they have been arrested and perhaps paraded on TV. Although these cases are often due to strained diplomatic relations between two countries, the lesson can be learnt of how much hassle can be generated from going beyond one’s boundaries. In many of these cases, it takes a lot of pleading by people and negotiating before the captives are released. This shows the lesson of knowing where ones boundaries lie and keeping within those boundaries.

The example above relates to the boundaries of a country. However, people, states and even tribes have their own boundaries. These boundaries are physical lines which demarcate one area from the other. Aside from these physical lines which can be seen clearly on maps, people groups and nations have codes of conduct and ‘ways of life’ or even ‘dos and don’ts which guide them and form their ways of living and how they are known.

Individuals also need to set and maintain their own personal boundaries. This is a task that no one can do for another person, each individual must set their personal boundaries to live a successful life. There is a saying which goes ‘a person without boundaries is like a city without walls’. You can only imagine what would become of a city without walls. It means that every kind of enemy has free rein if they choose to attack such a city. It denotes no covering, no shelter; it is like being left defenceless in the midst of enemies. It is a terribly precarious situation for anyone to find themselves.

Everyone needs boundaries in order to function at an optimal level, the good thing is that these are personal boundaries and no one else needs to be involved. No outside agency or person needs to be involved in the limits you place on your self. But these limits are invaluable in exercising self discipline and keeping oneself in check.

Life as we know it is degenerating with each passing day, and more of the things that were previously unheard of have become acceptable in our world. It appears that boundaries are pushed every so often and some ideas that would have raised eyebrows a few years ago are now seen as okay. These can range from the mundane issues of life to the very serious and often controversial topics.

Individuals can make choices they consider acceptable and what is not acceptable. A person’s life and what they make out of it is simply a matter that is left entirely to them. However, there are gentle voices within each of us that lead and guide us and inform our decisions, some call it ‘conscience’ or ‘inner leading’. What you choose to call the gentle voice is not what matters, it is the job it does that counts.

The boundaries which we set in our lives form invisible guides that help us make the right choices. They also help in identifying the way out when facing dire consequences in cases where we have made the wrong decisions. Whether we use our reasoning abilities for ensuring we made good decisions or for getting out of difficult circumstances, these are limits that must be present in order for us not to go off the rails.

Personal boundaries are a necessity as they help you when no one else is present and there is a temptation to misbehave. Everyone surely has a propensity to misbehave no matter how disciplined they are, it is however the presence of ‘personal boundaries’ that stops you from taking the perfume on your friends dressing table even though no one else is around to see.

When lewd images pop up on your computer screen, when there is an offer of making money from a dirty deal or when you know you can achieve success without working hard, it is the presence of boundaries that determines what you choose regardless of how you feel.

A person who strives to have integrity or who is destined for greatness will need to set out these personal limits which will put them in check when they are on the verge of being derailed.

The truth is that anyone can be derailed, no matter how righteous or pious they may seem or even how many good intentions they have. If you remember the saying ‘the road to hell is paved with good intentions’, one will quickly realise that more than good intentions is needed to stay on the straight and narrow path.

It was this same straight and narrow path that aided Mr Obama to achieve success in his political career and make history as the first black President of the United States of America. If Mr Obama had even the littlest blemish, it would have become public and his reputation would certainly have been tarnished. Perhaps some people who were willing to vote for him and let go of their prejudices may not have been convinced. His squeaky clean record did him a lot of good in getting him into the white house.

Below are a few points to consider about setting personal boundaries:

· Personal boundaries are like limits you set for yourself which guide you when no one else is present.

· Personal boundaries are like a gate or a fence that partitions one area from another. It makes it almost impossible to stray into an unauthorised zone.

· Personal boundaries will keep you in check when no one else is looking or bothered about what you do.

· Setting these boundaries for yourself will help in climbing the success ladder and positioning you for greatness.

· Mr Obama is an example of a man who no one could smear with any dirt that might have caused him the election. This was likely due to the personal limits he set for himself as a young man.

· You must be convinced enough by your boundaries in order to stay by them.

We all benefit when we do things right!

Learning to say ‘No’ - A survival factor?

Many of us would know of stories and folklores in our cultures and traditions of ‘characters’ that got into trouble simply because they did not know how to say ‘No’. Some times we know that the answer to a request should be negative but we simply choose to say ‘Yes’ or keep mute for whatever reason. This is often followed by regrets and stress as there may have been a commitment made which can not be seen through, either because we are incapable of doing so or because it is impossible to do so.

For many people of African descent, sentiments are very much a part of the culture and in turn a huge part of our lives. Sentiment may mean the inability to say ‘No’ to the request of someone who we place in a position of respect in our lives. For some people this is still the case even when the request is absolutely impossible to deliver. This may be from a boss, a family member, religious leader or even colleagues. Many people have compromised themselves, been implicated in criminal activity, engaged in immoral acts and even destroy their families because of their inability to say ‘No’.

The truth is that it is totally unwise to promise to get something done solely because of sentiments. Whilst it is noble to want to assist or support people, care must be taken not to become known as a person with no integrity because some of your promises have not been delivered.

Good intentions, pity or respect for elders are not good enough reasons to become a person with no integrity. As it is often said, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Whilst you may not start out with bad intentions, it is known that having a desire to do good is often not the only factor necessary in getting the good deed done.

For many people, promising and not delivering is no longer a big deal. For them it is the order of the day just because they find it difficult to say ‘No’ even when it is the right thing to do. What is sometimes worrying is that many people equate being assertive to being confrontational, so they never assert themselves even when their lives depend on it. They will rather pressure themselves on money they do not have to meet the aspiration of someone else. It is true that a good number of people do not go out to behave in this manner but find themselves in circumstances where they are unable to sum up the courage to say ‘No’.

You may not always be able to prevent yourself from these challenging circumstances as society will constantly place demands on you - some which are reasonable and some which are not. The important lesson is to know how to deftly handle these situations and maturely respond to demands you know are beyond your capability. This is where the ability to say ‘No’ may be a necessary survival factor especially in our culture. You simply need to be able to say ‘No’ sometimes for you to survive and live in peace.

Saying ‘No’ does not have to be a nasty experience for either the ‘sayer’ or the ‘hearer’. It is a useful instrument that can be employed if and when necessary for the sake of your integrity and also for the sake of people around you who may be at the receiving end of the consequences of your actions.

Assertiveness skills are fundamental in successful communication. It is a skill that is important for students, professionals and managers alike. The following are tips in this direction:

1. If you know that the answer to a request should be ‘No’, do so politely.

2. Saying ‘No’ does not always require aggression, an argument, raised voice or stern look. What you need to do is to make your points known clearly and very firmly.

3. Do not succumb to emotional blackmail or reverse psychology in matters where your integrity, morality and future can be compromised.

4. Your integrity, dignity and future may depend on your ability to say ‘No’ when necessary.

5. Do not allow yourself to be railroaded into something you clearly do not have the capability or desire to do.

6. It is better to under-promise and over-deliver than to over-promise and under-deliver.

7. For harassment cases, you need to be very firm and make yourself clear without necessarily shouting.

8. For young ladies, if you feel you are being pestered by someone for sex, do not play along or make it a smiling matter, register your objection firmly and determinedly.

9. Saying ‘No’ requires a reasonable degree of courage, so be courageous.

10. Your inability to say ‘No’ early could land you into trouble and ruin your relationships.

11. You do not have to say ‘No’ to all things if they are within your power and ability to deliver.

12. This article is not to get people to start to say ‘No’ to all things, but to help you know how to say ‘No’ when appropriate and how to ensure you do not compromise yourself.

We all benefit when we do things right!

The Etiquette of Personal Space

Personal space is simply the space around someone wherever they are; say a distance of one metre radius could be seen as their personal space. On a queue, in a bus, at a party, everywhere, anywhere, public or private, everyone has their own personal space no matter who they are.

Personal space represents comfort zones for people and has nothing to do with status or position in society, it is a right you have by virtue of your presence in any specific place. Personal space is such an important part of modern living and relating to people. Although it is easily assumed that everyone understands and accepts the concept of respecting other peoples' personal space. However, some people get into trouble at work because they have not learnt not to invade the privacy of their colleagues or boss.

Here are some examples of tips and things to avoid in order not to invade other people’s personal space:

Touching people – Touching people with whom you do not have close ties can be going out of your boundaries. Some people get carried away when they laugh and slap their hands on anyone around. This is clearly a no-no. Touch, even if casual, is personal as it is an expression of affection which should be mutual between two people. Given that we are generally quite tactile, it is better to avoid touching people until a closer relationship is established. In other words do not touch or hold people’s hands or shoulder when you are trying to make a point in any discussion.

Standing too close to people – When talking to people, do not get too close, if a person backs away a little, when talking to them, you are probably encroaching on their comfort zone. The same goes for handshaking, leave a reasonable distance and do not hold on to peoples' hands unnecessarily.

Brushing your body against other people – This may happen in narrow spaces when one person is trying to get pass another, when queuing or even in buses. It is better to wait for someone to walk through a narrow space rather than squeezing through and brushing someone's body whether they are of the same gender or not. You could face a disciplinary action at work, as this is tantamount to sexual harassment. Inside a bus, apply the same discretion in order not to invade other people’s space.

Sitting too close – to someone who is already seated may be seen in some cultures as an invasion of their personal space. To avoid this, it is advisable to leave some space between a person already seated except when all the other seats are taken. For example, if someone is in Seat A, it is expected you at least leave a distance of one seat and take Seat C or take a seat on the next row. However, where most of the seats have filled up, you are free to sit next to anyone where there is a free seat.

The same goes for a house where there are two sofas, if your host is sitting at the edge of Sofa 1, it is expected that you sit on sofa 2 but close enough to engage in a conversation.

Talking over people – If you happen to be holding a conversation with Miss Ade who is three seats away, you may well be speaking over someone's head (if you are standing) or even leaning over another person to get near. Either way, the correct thing to do is to move nearer to avoid talking over someone's head or leaning over their legs.

Rifling through someone's desk – Whether at work or home, this is a serious case of invading personal privacy. Anything that is not yours requires permission before you can read or use even if it is work related projects. Project papers that have not been handed over to the team should not be accessed without due permission.

Going through someone’s email, letters or mobile phone – It is quite common for someone to pick up another person's mobile phone and scroll through their call list or even contact details. This is an infringement of privacy. The same goes for reading hand written notes, emails, text messages, letters and bills, going through handbags drawers or wardrobe.

No matter how close a friend is to you, the rule of personal space should never be taken for granted. If you have an informal or business relationship with someone, it is even more important that you recognise their space and keep a safe distance whilst being warm and cordial.

Others – being loud on your phone in a public space, shouting, dragging your feet or chair in an environment where other people are concentrating on something, eating food with a very strong smell, playing your music loud are other ways you may be infringing on peoples' privacy and should be avoided.

Finally, respecting someone's personal space simply means that you allow them to be the master of their own little space; this means you create an artificial boundary in your mind and seek to never break through that boundary unless you have their permission or have been clearly invited.

Trying to get close by invading their personal space or throwing yourself at someone is often a futile practice as you are more likely to irritate the person you are trying to befriend.

Entering someone’s space usually means that you are defining a new relationship with them, which is mutually agreed.

The lesson is to allow everyone to be the master of their own space, whether they are young or old, slave or free.

We all benefit when we do things right!

Dealing with ‘Awuf’ Mentality

Sometimes ago, we looked at how to handle freebies. I'm hoping we can explore this issue further by looking at the infamous concept of ‘awuf’. In our society, whatever we are not paying for is generally regarded as 'awuf' or ‘awoof’. This includes freebies, someone else’s phone or even food. This probably led to the coinage of the phrase “awuf no dey run belle”. However, what one person regards as 'awuf' would in all probability have been paid for in time or money by another person lending credence to another phrase that says “there is no such thing as a free lunch”. The issue is that those who are taking advantage of the ‘awuf' are either knowingly oblivious or simply callous, and naïve. Please pardon my strong language but I do not have other words to describe a person who visits a friend at home and brings out his address book to start to make phone calls on the friend’s line. (Sorry, land phones and address books are items of the pre-GSM era in Nigeria). Several calls are made when the host is not in sight and unaware of the havoc caused until six weeks later when the telephone bill arrives. You begin to rack your brains to analyse the events of six weeks ago - Who visited? Where were you? How could they have spent 15 minutes on an international call without anyone seeing them? And so the list of probing questions goes on.

If you have the unenviable task of mediating in such a matter, what do you say to each of the parties involved? Do you tell the person whose telephone has been used without his consent to forget about it? If he does; who will cough up the money to pay the bill? Sadly in matters like this, the power of sentiments overrules logical reasoning, and fairness is replaced by the need to save face for the culprit. Shouldn’t he be made to face the music and pay the bill, perhaps he may learn a lesson or two. You may be wondering why a harsh sentence is being meted out by me to the party who has used another person’s phone without their consent. My question is ‘Who should be expected to pay such a bill? Is it the innocent party who has allowed a guest into their home? Is this fair?

What does not change regardless of how many questions you asked is the telephone bill which remains unpaid until you tendered your hard earned money to settle the bill. This is a matter that has caused many a quarrel, some of which may result in bitter feuds between family members or lifelong friends.

The point of this article is to examine the mentality of the average African person who is quick to assume that anything that appears not to be tightly controlled is free and should be quickly exploited. We often refuse to be reasonable with other people’s property or anything loaned to us simply because we did not pay for it. Our thinking is that nothing free must be let go even when it is of no use to us.

Further examples are food at parties, office luncheons, in-flight wine. Many people who may not be habitual consumers of alcohol become drunk on flights for no other reason than this 'awuf mentality'. It is a mentality that causes people to misbehave and destroy their dignity. Some people even take home flight blankets justifying it by saying, “it’s part of the money I paid for the flight ticket”. Little wonder that Nigerians are mistreated by many airlines.

A few points to ponder:

1. Whatever may be on offer, learn to put yourself in check so as not to disgrace yourself. The natural tendency of many of us is to grab what we can when the opportunity presents itself, particularly when it is free, or to take as much as you can regardless of who else is entitled. This is why our politicians loot, our public servants steal and our corporate executives are crooks.

2. Think! Do you really need those things that are given out freely at parties?

Do you really need an extra mug for tea?

Do you really need an extra bin made of metal that will probably cut your finger?

Do you really need an extra bowl?

Think about the many bowls, mugs and bins you already have at home that are littering your kitchen. If we think properly, we will realise that the only reason we take those things from parties is because of ‘awuf mentality’ not because of need.

3. Consider the damage to your relationships when you use something that does not belong to you without the knowledge of the owner or when you over-use what was lent to you. Consider also the other major consequence of such a behaviour. Often you miss out on a big thing because you mishandled the little.

4. There is no such thing as a free lunch; almost nothing in this world is actually free, even if you don't pay for it somebody else does.

5. Some people over-eat at parties or eat food that have gone-off and spend the next 24 hours paying for their foolishness with ‘running’ tummy. Who says awuf no de ‘run’ belle? It does.

We all benefit when we do things right!

Lessons in Waiting for Your Turn

Many years ago, I was told a story, first hand, by a relative of how he had behaved badly on his first visit abroad. He had gone into the Post Office presumably to buy some stamps. There was a long queue of people waiting patiently for the next cubicle to become free and for the Customer Service Assistant to call out '' next please''. However, this relative simply ignored the queue and walked straight up to the next free Customer Service Assistant to demand for postage stamps. Needless to say, the people who had been queuing lashed out at him and called him all kinds of unprintable names. Sadly, in this case he had asked for the insults by his bad and careless behaviour and he got what he asked for.

More recently, whilst I was recounting this story at a training session, a lady graciously got up and offered her own version of a very similar story. She was on a trip to the United States and had gone into a fast food restaurant; she also was totally oblivious of the queue and proceeded 'innocently' to the checkout. She also got abuse, some of it racial that suggested she get some manners from her African heritage. We all know that racial insults are unacceptable in whatever context, but unfortunately, a sure way to not get it, is to not ask for it. By this I mean do not behave in a manner that will attract insults from people.

The antidote to not being insulted is to learn acceptable customs and practices for various situations. These would apply whether at home or abroad, as the saying goes 'what is good for the goose is also good for the gander. Anyone who has taken the pains and discipline to act properly and to observe etiquette and protocol in campus or at the local 'mama put' restaurant in Lagos will not be caught unawares if they suddenly find themselves at the dining hall of their university in Atlanta where they are pursuing a Masters programme on scholarship.

'Charity begins at home' as they say, meaning it is your conduct at home that you take outside the home. The basic lesson here is to not despise the fact that you are at home in your town or village in Nigeria and behave as if anything goes. Start to behave well wherever you are and you will never suffer indignity anywhere.

Some people may be give excuses to justify jumping the queue or for other rude behaviour. For example, people are wont to say that because most people behave badly, it is irrelevant if they try to do right as they are a lone voice in the midst of an unruly crowd. For some the saying 'this is how it is done here' is enough encouragement to continue with the status quo.

However, regardless of the reasons given, the need and importance of waiting for your turn cannot be overemphasised; it is a basic civility in our world and a noble practice that is also a universally accepted language. It is understood and expected in every decent and reasonable culture and it is thus a necessary skill to embrace.

We have returned to the simple manner of waiting for your turn again because it cannot be taken for granted as there are many people who just do not recognise a queue when they see one. Somehow their brains do not pick up the signal from their eyes that says there is a line and you are expected to join it. So here are some pointers:

1. There are so many places where people are required to wait for their turn just to ensure a speedy and chaos-free service. Basically everywhere people congregate, queues are to be expected and honoured. Be it at the supermarket, bank, restaurant, or even at the hospital. It may be as mundane as a local market or an information desk at the airport. In any place where a queue forms, the reason is so that people can be seen in the order in which they arrived.

2. This ensures fairness in service delivery and also a smooth and efficient system. No one likes to be taken advantage of by people who are more powerful or influential. We all consider it as being unfair at the bank when a rich person is taken to the front of the queue and given attention whilst others wait on cashiers who seem uninterested in their work. In the same vein we owe it to one another as citizens of Nigeria and also as human beings to try to make life easier and the world a better place by following basic etiquette in public places. Your time is not more precious than the man standing next to you.

3. Joining the queue is for everyone to do whether rich, poor in a hurry or not.

4. If you have an urgent matter at hand and cannot wait on the queue, the right thing to do is to ask the person in front of you if you can possibly go ahead of them.

5. Remember to ask politely, using the words 'please' and 'thank you' as necessary.

6. The habits you form as your daily behaviour will elevate you or demote you one day.

7. If you take the pain to do what is right in the village where no one notices, you will probably do the same one day in the city and you will be celebrated.

8. Willingness to join a queue is an act that speaks of the state of your heart; it speaks of a humble nature ready to comply with decency and given authority.

9. Only confident people are strong enough to submit to authority.

10. Expect to be served in the order in which you have sought a service; never expect to go ahead of people present before you.

We all benefit when we do things right!

Handling Freebies – My observation at a hotel lobby

Whilst sitting at the entrance to a conference hall in a hotel recently, I looked at the reception area. The human traffic was interesting as all kinds of people went about their various business and activities. Some were staff of the hotel walking with fast strides to their next assignment and some were guests on holiday and in a completely relaxed mood. Some were couples holding hands and laughing, others, young parents carrying children to or from their rooms. It was beautiful to see how people relate to one another.

I watched with interest as people - young, middle age and old meandered around the front desk. People from all walks of life - the upwardly mobile, and the technician in overalls executing their business around the hotel, entire families dressed up and on their way out of the hotel to a function or a family day together.

This is not the first time that I would look over the lobby area and just watch what happens and how human beings behave. I would often take a few minutes to appreciate the interesting character of people - the good, the bad and the rather ugly. On a normal day, this would be the sort of thing that would interest me. I would sit and take in the beauty of love as each man emerged with their respective spouses - the elderly, the very young and the glamorous. I would be fascinated by how they walked or even the chemistry between the spouses.

On this occasion however, my primary focus had nothing to do with what people wore or how they walked, I was captivated by the reaction of various people to a bowl of sweets that was placed strategically in the centre of the reception desk. The hotel had been gracious to offer these sweets freely to anyone who walked pass the reception area. So gracious were they that the bowl was replenished every so often and there was hardly ever any moment when supply ran low.

So I watched as my fellow Nigerians approached the sweets. My first observation on this particular Saturday was of a couple with three children. The children approached the sweets and I saw the first child dip his hand into the bowl coming up with five or six sweets, this exercise was repeated by the other siblings whilst the mother looked on and waited for them to finish their display of utter greed. I watched and hoped to see this mother scold her children or insist that they drop some of the sweets but she appeared perfectly happy with her children’s ability to 'fight for their rights'.

Sadly, as I continued to watch, many other parties manifested the same behaviour. Hardly did I see anyone who took just one sweet. The minimum taken by anyone was two whilst the majority of people took between three and six, perhaps up to 10 in some cases. I wondered why it is not in our behaviour to take only one of anything we are offered. It is not only the decent thing to do but also the noble and right thing to do.

Dipping your hand into a bowl left in a public and picking more than one sweet says you have no regards for anyone who may be coming behind you. You probably may think that you were there first and so the lion share belongs to you. You may also think that the hotel can afford to replenish the bowl. However, I am persuaded that it is more honourable to give due consideration to other people who are coming after you by only taking one. This shows that you are disciplined and not ruled by your desires. My belief is that no matter what the item in question may be, you probably would not die if you do not take any of it at all. In any event, if the sweets were not there, you will still live. If that is the case, then you can probably do without the sweet or cake or even food at a party. It only makes sense therefore to take what is honourable and what would not dent your image.

My point is that you may not have been expecting to be offered free sweets or free food, if you then get the opportunity to be offered what you did not expect, then the best behaviour to adopt is to be sensible and disciplined about what you take. Even when you are desperate for the sweets, a maximum of two is fine, if you need more, then cross the road to buy from the nearest vendor.

As I watched the children helped themselves to about six sweets each, struggling to pick up as many as their tiny hands could carry and almost tipping the glass bowl over in the process, I saw both their hands full of sweets and without a single rebuke from their parents. I wondered if children as young as seven could have this attitude to a privilege that was offered to them, how would these same children react to being placed in a position where the national purse is at their disposal? We all know that if a person can steal 10 Kobo out of 1 Naira, then they are probably capable of taking 100 million out of 1 billion naira if given the chance. After all, both thefts are 10%.

My suggestions are as follows:

· Parents must train young children to possess discipline, contentment and the ability to take their eyes off what is not theirs whether it is offered to them or not.

· Young adults are at a crucial point in life and they need to understand the above virtues. These are the attitudes that set people apart and make them stand out; a simple matter like taking only one sweet may decide the future of a person – whether you get a job or not as this may be part of the test by a prospective employer.

· For everyone else, a major part of discipline is learning to master your desires.

We all benefit when we do things right.

Managing Expectations - Part 1

I have noticed that very few relationships in Nigeria last the test of time. Arguably, every relationship has its ups and downs and with mature disposition, the challenging times can easily be handled without serious damage. However, in my view, we often seem to deliberately look for ways to destroy relationships we have built over the years with our own hands. It does not matter which type of relationship you nominate for scrutiny – husband/wife, parent/child, church, work or friendships, we have a way of hitting it off with people quickly and before you can say ‘Jack Robinson’ we sever the relationship.

Obviously, there are different reasons why relationships break down, I have however found that a major reason why we have a rather high incident of problem relationships is because of the unrealistic expectations we place on one another. For example, the general way of thought is that once somebody has a reasonable accommodation and a car, that person MUST be ‘loaded’ and MUST be ready to solve any financial worries we present. This is irrespective of the period of time we have known each other or whether there is any serious tie. We often do not understand that some people may be asset rich and cash poor.

The following are suggestions towards building a successful relationship and keeping it for the long run:

Let all your relationships be based on what you can offer – This, by far, is the most important way to forge a meaningful and successful relationship. Rather than concentrating on what you can get from a relationship, be concerned with what you bring in to that relationship. This way, it is almost impossible to have unmet expectations because you are not expecting anything. Of course, you may benefit from a relationship, but the suggestion here is to let your focus be on what you can offer your friend, family, church or work colleague and not the other way round.

If everyone would follow this approach, we will all develop meaningful, healthy and lasting relationships. It’s simple, if I am not focused on what I can get in a relationship, it will be unnecessary to fake anything or manipulate anyone to get my way. In other words, relationships are real when the focus is on what we bring rather than what we can get.

Be realistic – This is another way of saying do not have unrealistic expectations when it comes to relationship matters. When you set unrealistic expectations, you are setting your friend, spouse, colleague or brethren to fail and at the same time setting yourself up for disappointment. It is pertinent to say that what you think is no big deal may be a very unrealistic expectation to someone else. For example, it is unrealistic to ask a friend to forego their food just because you are hungry. It is unrealistic to expect a friend to fund your daughter’s wedding. It is unrealistic to expect a friend to lend you a substantial amount of money to buy a new car etc.

Give people the opportunity to say ‘No’ – Whenever you need to ask a favour that may inconvenience others; never put them in a difficult situation where they fear your friendship will be jeopardised. The right thing to do therefore when asking for favours is to ask in such a way that the other person will find it easy, if they so choose, to say ‘no’. For example, it is better to say:

Would you be available for me to visit tonight or will you let me know when it will be convenient for you?

With the above question, it is easy for the person to say “let’s try tomorrow or next week as I’m not available tonight”. Unfortunately, some people will announce as a matter of fact:

“I’m on my way to your house and I will see you in 20 minutes”.

They care less if the person they wish to visit is prepared to receive guests and they offer him no room to refuse either.

Remember, people may agree to your manipulations and scheming for a while but they will eventually see the light and refuse the attempt by you to continue to ride them.

Be sincere – Sincerity is the missing tool in most relationships that break down. Check yourself:

• Are you sincere with friends, families or colleagues in the things you say or do?
• Do you try to make people have a different opinion of you?
• Why is this so?

People who are not sincere can not handle those who are, so they always have unrealistic expectations which go unmet. As a result, they are unable to keep lasting relationships.

In my view, there is nothing better than being yourself. No effort is required to be yourself. Keeping a relationship with anyone, even with God demands sincerity, so be sincere. This way, you will find you are able to express yourself easier and your relationships will be far more honest, meaningful and fruitful.

Be appreciative – If you are more interested in giving into a relationship than receiving; if you are realistic about what you expect from people; you will find that it will be easy to be appreciative whenever you are offered anything by anyone. Those who go into relationships with the objective of what they can derive from it will find it difficult to be appreciative as they are usually unrealistic with their expectations. The same goes for those who go into relationships with insincerity. Because they are more interested in what they will get from the relationship, they may even be extraordinarily nice and give more than is necessary for a while. They are therefore unappreciative if they are confronted with a sincere partner who gives without any ulterior motive.

Written by Gbenga Badejo - a Partner at ParkRoyalFinishingSchool, www.lagosfinishingschool.com - the leading provider of Etiquette, Ambassador, Business and Life Skills programmes.