Consideration, Sensitivity, and Respect - What is etiquette?

My experience as a trainer and etiquette consultant has taught me that most people have a wrong view of etiquette. Many people feel it’s about being ‘prim and proper’. To some, etiquette is equivalent to snobbery i.e. ‘showing class’ by not engaging with people. Others see etiquette only in terms of dining or dressing.

Some feel etiquette is about formalities (‘dos’ and ‘don’ts’) – don’t do this, don’t do that. For many others, etiquette connotes European or Western’ values and they resent what they see as a new form of colonisation. The people that fall into this last category are probably not mindful of the fact that Africa is replete with etiquette and ours, in many instances, is more forceful and certainly guides most of our waking and sleeping moments.

Etiquette is not only about dos and don’ts; if it is, everyone will have to master an impossible list of what to do and not do on different occasions in different cultures for different situations. In reality, etiquette is about ‘consideration’, ‘sensitivity’, and ‘respect’.

In other words, show consideration to people in everything you do, avoid being selfish and do to people what you will take from people. Out goes deception, abuse, ‘smartness’, using people etc.

Secondly, be sensitive to people in whatever you do or say. Avoid thoughtless words; be sensitive to people’s culture, gender and situation. This will mean avoiding sexist, racist or any offensive gestures or jokes. It also means thinking before you do or say anything.

Thirdly, show respect to others irrespective of their age, gender, social or economic status. Showing respect means not looking down, not talking down or standing people up whoever they may be.

You will find that in all matters, whether of dressing, dating, driving, business relationships, marriage, visiting people, leading a team, travelling or eating in public, you will behave better and differentiate yourself when you show consideration, sensitivity and respect to people.

All of us at the ParkRoyalFinishingSchool and EtiquetteBank enjoin you to show consideration, sensitivity and respect to people today.

We all benefit when we do things right! EtiquetteBank

Item number 7 – the scramble for food

Ignoring his many shenanigans, I really like King Solomon. He appeared to me to be a very intelligent and smart guy. In his writings, he stated that one of the four things that were too wonderful for him to understand was the way of a man with a woman i.e. the way of a young man with a young woman. I am sure the male readers will understand what he meant – how you leave no stone unturned to get a date with a woman. Trust me, I know, I am a woman.

For me, one of the many things wonderful for me to understand is the way of a Nigerian with food at parties It’s a huge mystery that I would love to unravel.

In Nigeria, Item number 7 is the ‘menu’ stage and probably the most important at many events. It is smartly embedded between the many other events on the agenda, yet stands head and shoulders above the others in the minds of guests. Failure at Item number 7 is failure for the host and the event. Curiously, at Item number 7, you will see the words ‘Menu, Menu, Menu’. I still haven’t figured out why menu is written thrice. Perhaps it is a reflection of our attitude towards food.

The important issue about Item number 7 is that it sometimes shows the true colour of party guests as it has an uncanny way of bringing out the best or worst in people. Sometimes, you see top people with the means to commission the most sumptuous meal in their homes behaving badly and losing their inhibitions when they come across food at a party. It makes you wonder why Item number 7 has such an overwhelming impact on a lot of people, both rich and poor.

At other times, you see people jump the buffet queue, or pile their plate so much that you ask what on earth a person is doing with pounded yam and salad on the same plate. The fact that it is a buffet and you may go back for seconds does nothing to temper the greed of some people.

I have seen fights break out or people get very angry and abusive towards unarmed waitresses for no other reason but food; often because their table has been skipped by the waitresses at a party. Sometimes this is a case of cronyism on the part of the chief hostesses, but oftentimes, it is simply due to the overwhelming demand for food by so many people.

I am sure many of my readers have been to parties where the food is finished by the time it gets to your turn on the buffet line. In cases like this, you may be surprised to find out that the food was prepared for double the number of people present. No doubt most people will salivate at the sight of the spread of various kinds of delicacies but is a persons’ dignity and self respect not worth more than food?

My husband and I were once invited to celebrate the Nigerian Independence day at the High Commissioner’s House in London. After the formal part of the event, we were invited to proceed to the tent set out for the well-laid buffet. One peep into the tent sent us back as the very distinguished guests were rather unruly, crowding over what we figured out was the food service point. There was no way we were going to be part of the scramble for food.

If you find yourself at a buffet, the following points will serve you well:

· Allow the guest of honour, the elderly or the disabled to go first.

· Do not overload your plate.

· While serving yourself, only take an adequate portion keeping in mind those who are in line behind you.

· Do not return to the buffet line until everyone has gone through once.

· If you are desperately hungry before you go to a party, eat before you leave home.

We all benefit when we do things right! EtiquetteBank

Dressing for Business - Are you overdoing it?

You may wonder ‘What is the big deal about professional dressing? How is it different to my normal going out dressing? The truth is, business dressing is a completely different ball-game to say a weekend social dressing. No matter how snazzy a dresser you are, you may need to consider your work wardrobe if you want to be taken seriously as a professional.

Although an individual’s style, personal taste and fashion ultimately come into play when they turn out at social functions, it is important to consider what is appropriate over what is fashionable when dressing as a professional. In a society that places so much importance on dressing and the way people turn out, it is necessary to stress that the fashion trend that you adore may not be advisable when it comes to business.

Whilst you may go to town with jewellery, make up, style and colours at an evening event, discretion is clearly needed when getting dressed for the office.

I often see career women at work, often in a front office role looking like they have just stepped out of Vogue magazine. The bling (jewellery) is outlandish, the hair immaculately coiffured and the ensemble completed with six inches Manolo style shoes. Whilst the dress sense of Nigerian and indeed African women is commendable, it is important for a professional to remember that the work place is for serious business and a corresponding dress code is required. I often pity the men when I consider the suggestive, hip-hugging, tight-fitting, cleavage-blearing attire some of our women wear to work.

Men also get things wrong in this department. Shiny, brown, snakeskin and sharp pointed shoes may be trendy for a weekend party but will certainly misrepresent you in the workplace. Your clients need the perception of a serious minded professional, not the hottest guy at the bar or a P-Diddy wannabe.

Sadly in life, we are judged by ephemeral things, not by the real value of a person which lies in their character. A client meeting you to discuss a million dollar deal may develop cold feet if your dressing presents you as clownish entertainer. In the same vein, for a woman, the idea of flaunting your cleavage could backfire if you are meeting a conservative business partner, male or female.

What to remember is that the office place is a business environment. The latest trend may therefore not suffice when cutting a business deal. Also a business professional must be ready at all times, as there may not be an opportunity to change into ‘a more appropriate outfit’. The following are suggestions and ideas:

- Cleavage, hot trends and loud colours are best left for the weekend.
- Keep a separate wardrobe for evening and social functions.
- Looking smart is what is necessary for business, not looking sexy.
- Your business counterpart must be able to hear what you say - your clothes shouldn’t be doing the talking.
- Black, dark brown, navy blue shoes are best for business for ladies.
- Open toe, strappy and embellished sandals are not advisable for business.
- Black women are often very curvy; however, curves are best kept under wraps during business hours.
- Women should consider their body shape when wearing trousers.
- Jewellery and make-up should be understated.
- For men, combine your ties, shirts and suits appropriately – no striped tie on striped shirt etc. - Black shoes is the business for men.

My greatest wish is to see smart variations of our national dress in the business arena.

We all benefit when we do things right. EtiquetteBank

Valuing people by keeping to time

Valuing other people is one of the greatest resources we can possess as human beings. It is a resource that is also free to possess and is based mainly on our ‘choice’ to own or not to own. When you ‘choose’ to place a value on other peoples’ lives and time, you in turn place yourself in a position of respect.

A key reflection of the value we place on people is the ‘ability’ to respect and value their time. This is a moral issue that is often played out when we get invited to functions, meetings or arrange an appointment.

For functions, many people often choose to be guided by the time that others are expected to arrive. This means they arrive late not because they wanted to, but because they believe other people are going to be late. Their argument is ‘why should I be kept waiting for doing the right thing?’ So they choose to be late. We romantically and nonchalantly refer to this arrangement as ‘African Peoples Time’ or ‘African Time’. This is a social problem which haunts our society and is a bane to our national development.

In business, a meeting may be arranged with plenty of notice only for the person who called the meeting arriving late or not turning up at all on the day of the metting. Everyone else has made the effort to get there early for this meeting but somehow the person who is facilitating has an excuse for coming 20 minutes late. Admittedly, there are uncontrollable circumstances; however, some people simply choose to hide behind the numerous excuses they can give for their poor time keeping and what can frankly be described as a very rude attitude to others. It makes you wonder if everyone is not facing the same challenge of traffic when people casually say they were delayed by traffic.

Valuing people is simply putting other people into consideration when a meeting or appointment is set so that you do what is necessary to ensure you arrive in good time. This is for no other reason than not to keep people waiting for no good reason. It speaks of good breeding and respect for others when you value them by valuing their time.

A friend once told me that most of the books he read in the last year were done whilst being kept waiting for appointments. In order to change our attitudes in this regard, we must put ourselves in the picture. How would I feel if someone has wasted my time? The truth is that we all detest being kept waiting by people or even processes. When we think of how we feel, we must also try to consider how other people feel when we do the same to them.

In our society, it seems to be an acceptable norm that anyone bigger than you can keep you waiting. It is an unholy emblem of importance to do so; for example artisans asked to assess a job and provide a service often find that they arrive at the site and are told to ‘wait’. ‘The wait’ for the ‘big’ man could run into hours, obviously because the ‘big’ man’s time, in his estimation is much more important than that of the ‘small’ man.

Also professionals who have booked an appointment find they need to call a few times to confirm and re-confirm the appointment, otherwise they run the risk of arriving and being told that ‘the manager is in another meeting’, ‘has just gone out’ ‘is not in the office today’ or the really funny one ‘not on seat’.

I was once told of someone who was asked to ‘take a seat and wait’; the host in this case was only a corridor away and her voice could be heard clearly on the phone as she made and received several calls, just casual friendly calls. This case of ‘take a seat and wait’ turned out to be a six-hour wait! It turned out that the high powered host was teaching the guest a lesson in remembering that despite their recent familiarity, they simply were not on the same level. Unfortunately, no one ‘taught’ this type of lesson forgets in a hurry.

Valuing another person is as simple as respecting their time, knowing that no matter how big and how busy you are, no one should be disregarded and left waiting for no justifiable reason.

The following are a few guiding points to assist in valuing others and their time:

1. Life is lost in waiting; make it your principle never to keep anyone waiting unnecessarily.

2. Get a diary and log your appointment as you make them or as soon as possible after you made them.

3. Use your phone or PDA to set a reminder a week or a few days before the meeting.

4. If you are unable to make a meeting for any reason, ensure you give enough notice to the other people attending the meeting.

5. Set out early on the day of a meeting factoring in any eventualities like traffic.

6. It is to your advantage not to have a bad reputation for time keeping.

We all benefit when we do things right. Etiquettebank

Don't just read it, acknowledge it - responding to text messages

I'm sure I wont be the only one who has had the experience of sending a text message and had to wonder whether it was received or not.

What is more interesting is when the recipient confirms receipt of your text message after you eventually get to speak with each other without batting an eye.

Initially, it may leave you wondering whether the text was received or perhaps the recipient is offended. No shaking (no cause for alarm), this is common and may not be anything personal. It appears that people just can't be bothered to respond, don't know they ought to respond, don't feel like incurring the cost of responding or a combination of any of the above.

A few points on texting etiquette are highlighted below:

1. Respond to all text messages as soon as you can even if you are declining a request. It is better to decline a request than to deliberately avoid or keep someone in suspense.

2. If you have not made up your mind regarding a request or invitation, it is advisable to send a preliminary response.

3. If you receive a 'thank you' text, don't just read it, acknowledge it. You could respond by texting back 'you are welcome' or 'thank you too'.

4. Be clear about what you are communicating in your text.

5. Never send abusive text messages. It is a most unwise thing to do. You may regret it after you have calmed down.

6. Never send or forward racist, sexist, or any other offensive messages.

7. Some Nigeria networks take their time before receiving or delivering text messages, so don't be frustrated if an acknowledgement is late. We are a developing country.

8. Always include your name in your text except you are absolutely sure your name is on the recipient's contact list.

9. If you have not received a response to a text message after a few days, don’t lose it, send a reminder or give the person a call.

Hopefully, the above will smoothen the rough edges and make life easier for all.

Share your experiences
Please share with us your experiences on texting or any of the other issues raised on EtiquetteBank. We will acknowledge star comments and experiences. EtiquetteBank

Joining a queue - Showing respect to others

Recently the question popped in my head “what crosses the average person’s mind when they arrive at a queue?”

I was pushed to wonder what goes through peoples' minds when they see a line. Living in Nigeria as an adult for the very first time in my life has exposed me to a variety of daily experiences. Some are so shocking that I am left speechless and some drive me to want to make a change. One of the questions I have asked myself is why do Nigerians have a tendency to misbehave when they need to join a queue?

Occasionally, one would see a respectable-looking person walk into a fast food restaurant. Immediately they see the queue, they quickly look for a means to get ahead quicker, this may mean squeezing in or pretending to have been on the line previously. Often this kind of behaviour results in a big rancour when other people on the line refuse to be cheated.

My latest experience was at the head office of one of the major banks in Marina, Lagos. This is a grand building which can compete with any of its kind in the other financial districts of the world. The ambiance is enough to make most people put on their best behaviour. Or so I thought!

Having recently visited the building, I was pleasantly surprised to see the new metal scanners and duly obliged by proceeding to hand over my bag to the official at the machine. Just as I was about to place my bag on the moving belt, I was shocked to see a gentleman come from nowhere somehow happened to be faster at handing over his belongings to the guards for scanning. Here I was waiting for my turn to have my bag scanned and before I could do so, someone faster than me had come from behind to do exactly the same.

Needless to say, I was bewildered. This was a man who had clearly ignored me, passed items almost over my head and taken my place on the queue. And it is almost impossible that the man did not see me.

Below are a few questions which may help you identify your attitude to waiting in line:

Do you feel more important than the people you meet on a queue?

Do you assume you are in a legitimate hurry whilst the other people on the queue may be in no rush at all?

Do you assume your time is more precious than the next person’s?

Do you feel so important that you often don’t see the people standing around, who may also be waiting their turn?

Do you feel it is demeaning to wait in line for your turn?

In considering this big problem, I have come to a few conclusions and recommendations:

1. Respecting one another is what makes the world go round. Respect begets more respect. The golden rule everyone should live by says: “Do unto to others as you would have them do unto you.” This truly sums up all that needs to be said. If we put ourselves in other people’s shoes, we would think twice before taking certain actions.

2. Waiting your turn shows that you respect other people on the line.

3. Joining a queue says you are self-confident. Only confident people are able to admit there are others in front of them and wait their turn.

4. Never assume that you or your time is more important than the people queuing in line. This assumption is likely to impair your judgement.

5. Life is so complicated that we need not complicate it further for one another. Waiting your turn in a queue in a post office, wherever, ensures everyone is served fairly in order of arrival.

6. Don’t act like you may be bigger than people queuing even when it seems obvious that you are. It is better for people to recognise and honour you than to be told off for jumping a queue.

As you go about your business this week, please consider this old saying ‘what goes round comes round.’ Let’s do things right remembering that it is doing right that we will change the landscape of our beloved nation. EtiquetteBank

It's not just about grooming!

It’s not just about grooming and dining matters; it’s changing how you see things and the way you do things!

Welcome to Etiquette Bank, a free resource from the ParkRoyalFinishingSchool stable for our clients. This site is designed for businesses and individuals who want to stay one step ahead of the pack.

You will learn how to differentiate yourself and your business and be provided with tips on relating with people and getting ahead in life.

Our mission is very clear – We want to change the way people relate in business, in society and we want to change our nation.

We hope you will make it a date with Etiquette Bank on a regular basis.

We will appreciate your comments and would love for you to extend the privilege of this free resource to your friends and family.

Thank you
ParkRoyal's Etiquette Bank